Here’s Why I Don’t Drink At Airports Anymore

Because what if they have to ask me to land the plane?

Think about it. Let’s say I’m cruising at 35,000 feet. My feet are up. The in-flight entertainment is a decent film. The seat next to me is empty, doubling my leg room. Everything’s seemingly going fine. So let’s say I decide to exercise my right as an older than 21-year-old-man and enjoy a frosty adult beverage or four.

Then let’s say we roll into some fog, and one of the pilots accidently hits an overachieving gull, way up high in the air. The captain has a heart attack from the shock of creaming the gull. The first mate has a heart attack from the shock of the captain having a heart attack. The flight attendants all pass out from nervousness. Everyone in the cabin faints due to the air pressure.

THEN let’s say there are two pilots left standing, along with me, as we nose dive into oblivion. They each decide they want the glory. So they fight for the top spot in the cockpit. They end up knocking each other out trying to get in there and land this thing. That leaves me, who is already like, 8 Captain and Cokes deep. The fate of everyone on this plane rests in the hands of a guy who can’t see straight and hasn’t even broken the seal yet.

I don’t know if anyone’s ever landed a plane drunk. I know I haven’t. I haven’t done it sober either, but I for sure KNOW I couldn’t do it wasted. If I attempt it drunk, I’m either crashing or landing it but hitting a mailbox or something. Then you’d have to be a dick and abandon it before the cops show, because who can afford that DUI? “Get out of here bro, I’ve got priors! Don’t leave a note, just throw some cash on the hood and let’s hide behind that Wawa down the street!”

The worst part would be is if you landed it loaded, and then got a DUI anyway. While all the passengers are celebrating their survival, you’re busy touching your nose on one foot while you say the ABC’s backwards.

There may come a time when you’re drunk and you’re asked to land a plane. Though it’s never happened to me, here are five tips on ways to handle this oddly specific situation I thought about while I was drinking at an airport bar last week:

1) Before you enter the cockpit, chew a mint followed by a couple pennies so no one can smell the whiskey on your breath.

2) Take a good long pee before you get into the cockpit, because there’s no re-breaking the seal once you’re in there. Try to piss in one of the bathrooms, but if you’ve had too much to drink, you may not have a choice where you go.

3) Don’t drunk text anyone while you’re trying to fly. It may be embarrassing if you make it, plus something about wireless devices is bad for planes. Want more detail than that? Fuck off and go ask a scientist.

4) It’s okay to show the passengers how calm you are in a time of crisis. It’s NOT okay to show that calmness by traipsing through the aisles pantless while singing selections from The Music Man.

5) Finally, remember: Beer before liquor? Never been sicker. Liquor before beer, before you have to land a plane? You’re going to die, but at least you won’t vomit first.

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