Hello. My name is Liam Neeson. You may remember me from films such as Schindler’s List or The A-Team. Or maybe you remember me from Taken. In my newest film, The Grey, it has been brought to my attention that a bunch of wolves attempt to fight me. This is an open letter to those wolves. You must understand this: I have a particular set of wolf-fighting skills, and I will use them on you if you try to fight me on the snowy mountaintop depicted in the film.
It all started one day when I was doing a particular set of exercises at my local gym. A trainer approached me. I said, “Hey, pal, I was right in the middle of a particular set of reps. What gives?” He tells me what’s all the rage in the fitness community: wolf-fighting. Apparently it’s a great way to get your cardio in, plus you get to meet a particular set of babes after you get a particular set of six pack abs. So I retired to my study with a particular set of books on the subject and began a particular set of workout classes designed to help people fight wolves. They took place every Wednesday from 5-7. It was right after my particular set of zumba classes, so the timing was especially fortuitous.
After a particular set of 8 weeks worth of classes and a particular set of graduation ceremonies commemorating my spot as valedictorian of my wolf-fighting class, it was on to the real thing. I was scheduled to fight a particular set of wolves in a particular set of 15 round bouts, each fight a week apart. I ended up going 2-2, which isn’t a particular set of great, but it was a particular set of good starts.
Despite everyone (even the wolves I fought) telling me what was a decent beginning to my wolf-fighting career, my .500 record left me with a particular set of melancholy feelings. I should have performed better! What I realized was that I needed a particular set of expert tutelage. Many told me that I needed to seek out a particular set of wolf-fighting trainers but I said no. The best way to learn how to fight a particular set of wolves would be to learn from a particular set of wolves.
I settled on an old grizzled wolf who lived in a particular set of squalor in a shitty studio apartment. Initially he had me doing a particular set of mundane chores around the house that had nothing to do with fighting. Once we began a particular set of fighting exercises though, I realized that the particular set of movements I had mastered while Swiffering his kitchen floor would come in a particular set of handy when I fought wolves! My sensei also cautioned me about starting my career to fast by flaming out against a particular set of experienced wolves, so to begin he had me work my way up to their level by fighting a particular set of puppies.
Yep, so for awhile it was just me walking around town with my wolf-sensei on my back, looking for a bunch of puppies to deliver a particular set of ass-kickings to. After puppies I graduated to a particular set of full grown dogs. After dogs, it was onto a particular set of wolves with shitty fighting ability referred to as “tomato cans.” I destroyed all of these hacks. After a particular set of fights in which I won in a particular set of early-round knockouts, we were contacted by a particular set of representation for the heavyweight champion wolf, wanting to give an unknown like myself a title shot in my hometown. Even though he kicked a particular set of shit out of me and won on points, I was able to go the distance and earn everyone’s respect. I then had a particular set of wolf fights go extremely against a particular set of competitors such as a wolf that wore gold chains and a mohawk, a massive Russian wolf, and Tommy Morrison in a sports bar, for some reason.
So let this be a warning to you, wolves: Liam Neeson doesn’t fuck around. I have a particular set of background fighting you. Just because we’re going to be in the Alps, or Wisconsin, or wherever this shitty movie takes place, doesn’t negate my particular set of experiences. You may think you’re tough, but after I’ve boxed your ears in and have you crying for your wolf mothers, don’t expect Liam Neeson to grant you a particular set of mercy.