Happy holidays, everyone. Most of the week 16 games happened on Saturday, but I took the day off of recapping to hang out with the family. I hope you were as lucky as me, to be able to hang out with people you cared about. Now that the sappy stuff is out of the way, what do you say we get to some NFL-themed dick jokes? Here we go:
GIANTS 29, JETS 14
In the Battle of New York, the Giants asserted dominance over the Jets and marked their territory. Many feel that coach Tom Coughlin went too far, however, by peeing on Rex Ryan’s slippers.
COLTS 19, TEXANS 16
The Colts take another step towards not getting Andrew Luck. To continue the trend, at halftime next week they’re planning to give the Stanford Tree mascot and Andrew Luck’s dad a joint blanket party.
RAVENS 20, BROWNS 14
Baltimore finished the season 8-0 at home. Perfection at home is a foreign concept to most folks in Charm City, as not many realize that 97% of all Baltimore residents are actually homeless crackheads.
NINERS 19, SEAHAWKS 17
After allowing their first rushing TD of the season to Marshawn Lynch, San Francisco coach Jim Harbaugh did not allow his team to eat their usual postgame meal. “I refuse to accept mediocrity on this team,” screamed Harbaugh afterwards, as he dumped a ladle full of disgusting goulash onto the plate of a sad and frightened Michael Crabtree.
LIONS 38, CHARGERS 10
Detroit clinched their first playoff berth since 1999. Saginaw, Michigan resident Bill Stevenson, who had been in a coma since 1999, woke up Saturday and was happy to see everything back to normal. “I can’t wait to see Barry Sanders and Herman Moore thrash the competition in January baby!” exclaimed Stevenson from his bed. “Now let’s blare the hit single Steal my Sunshine by Len, which adorned the radios of so many folks back when I last had my wits about me!”
EAGLES 20, COWBOYS 7
After the Giants secured a victory the Cowboys elected to rest several starters, not to rest them for the next week’s contest, but to let the game serve as a metaphor for the futility of human existence. Coach Jason Garrett will reportedly spend the next week devising game plans, executing practices, and reading lots of Sylvia Plath.
PANTHERS 48, BUCS 16
Cam Newton is on his way to the best rookie season since Henry Rowengartner closed out games for the Cubbies back in ’93. Panthers fans will be sad to find that the comparisons to Rowengartner don’t end there, however, as the guy banging Newton’s mom has sold his contract to the Yankees.
VIKINGS 33, REDSKINS 26
Christian Ponder was hurt, Adrian Peterson tore his ACL, and the win removes the team’s chances of getting the first overall pick in next year’s draft. In other “Can it get any worse?” news, the bank foreclosed on the Metrodome leaving the team homeless and the wives and girlfriends of all 53 men on the Minnesota roster are having an affair with Aaron Rodgers.
RAIDERS 16, CHIEFS 13
Coach Hue Jackson didn’t have long to celebrate the victory, as he was haunted by former boss and current ghost Al Davis with the warning that he should change his ways and would be visited by three Christmas ghosts.
STEELERS 27, RAMS 0
Even with backup Charlie Batch in at QB, the Steelers didn’t miss a beat. In order to maintain cohesion for the team’s sake, after the game Batch went out, drank until he couldn’t see, and sexually assaulted as many girls as he could.
BILLS 40, BRONCOS 14
“This is ridiculous,” said Tim Tebow after his disasterous performance, “I jerk off ONE TIME and God makes me have a game like this.”
TITANS 23, JAGUARS 17
Heading into week 17, the Titans are actually still alive for a playoff berth in the “Um, what the fuck?” stat of the week.
BENGALS 23, CARDINALS 16
Somehow, this loss eliminates the Cardinals from playoff contention NEXT year.
PATRIOTS 27, DOLPHINS 24
New England’s awesome, 27 unanswered point second half and terrible first half were really just a tribute to Coach Bill Belichick’s favorite Batman villain, Harvey “Two-Face” Dent. “Coach is always telling us how much he loves Batman’s rogues gallery,” said Patriots defensive lineman Vince Wilfork. “For next week, we’re all going to shave our heads and grow weird beards to look like Hugo Strange.”
PACKERS 35, BEARS 21
Aaron Rodgers threw for 5 touchdowns and eliminated the Bears from playoff contention, robbing America of the chance to mercilessly ridicule Jay Cutler for bitching out of a playoff game.
WHO’S GOOD FOR TONIGHT?
With nothing to play for, I look for the Falcons to lay down to the Saints. Drew Brees will break Dan Marino’s single season record for passing yardage, needing only 305 yards. And Julio Jones will break the record for most catches by a guy named Julio.
That’s all for week sixteen. Bring it right back here, next Monday and every Monday, or whenever I feel like it really, for the Internet’s only Monday morning recap of Sunday’s NFL action.