The Night Before Christmas: A Photo Essay

In my family, Christmas Eve is probably the holiday everybody gets most excited about. It’s a great time. We eat a lot of good food and wrap a lot of presents. Well, I don’t wrap presents, because I can’t do it right. Seriously, after I’m done wrapping a gift, the wrapping paper looks like its in pain. Here’s Mike’s guide to wrapping presents:

1) Hand present to Mom and my sister, Amy.

2) Fold hands behind my head like Han Solo and then fuckin’ chillax on the couch.


Mom always has the best decorations, no matter what. For example, to get this giant bow, she carjacked some guy driving a Lexus he was giving his wife for Christmas.

With none of our shopping done,  Amy and I decided to venture out and hand some of our hard earned money directly to the Chinese by shopping at Target.


I enjoyed the “Panini Press” name, just because it sounds like what they’d call it if Panera Bread ever came out with their own newspaper about baked goods.  “Today’s top story – scientists have discovered a new cure for cancer: bagels with a schrawberry schmear. Also, in sports, we’ll talk about a new innovation that may change the way baseball is played: using French baguette’s instead of bats. Turn to E1 for more.”


This orange thing is just a dog’s chew toy, and I know I have the mental maturity of a fifth grader, but really…how can anyone look at that and see anything BUT a dick and balls?


I think Giada DeLaurentiis is amazingly hot. But there is no way in hell she could convince me to let her give me one of these.


After Target it was off to Giant to grab some grub. We found some more things people sell that also look like dicks. I don’t know what’s more troubling about this product, the fact that they all look like half-black, half-white little dicks, or the fact that chocolate mushrooms are a thing.


“Festingos” sounds like they’re trying really hard to sound like it’s a real brand, but you know it isn’t. I’ve never had any, but I’m willing to bet you this is the “Dr. Perky” of the queso world.


We headed back to Target and saw this. I know things are getting expensive, but $15.00 for a McCafe? I don’t care what fancy name you call it, it’s just a cup of coffee. My favorite part of this is the sheer audacity of just leaving garbage out where other people will be shopping. “This shelf people regularly peruse looks like as good a place as any for my refuse. Welcome to Fredericksburg.” As we went to leave, we had to laugh, as it surely couldn’t get worse than this….


WELL THIS IS A FINE HOW-DO-YOU-DO! Say what you will about the $15 McCafe, but at least there was some coffee in it!  You expect me to pay $33.24 for a mostly empty Starbucks cup, Target? No chance. I’ll give you $25.76, tops.

I was going to take more pictures, but the bouncer at Target ended up throwing me into the street. Merry Christmas everybody!

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