As a child of the 80’s, I was weaned on the teat of the sitcoms of network television. There was a few years when I watched pretty much every one I could. One of the staples of the sitcom is the Christmas episode. Today, I’m counting down my the most interesting (and sometimes disturbing) episodes that I could remember, and some you may forget:
After Al drunkenly comes onto to the Tool Time Girl (Pamela Anderson) at Tim’s Christmas party, Tim and Al convince her to participate in a Christmas Eiffel Tower in which they grunt like gorillas and wear nothing but tool belts. Wilson weirdly peers at the scene from over his fence next door.
Hayden and Luther have no idea what to get Dauber, then hilarity ensues when Luther buys him four hours with an Asian escort. Even more hilarity ensues when Dauber frantically calls to tell them he accidently killed her. The three bury her at a Christmas tree lot over some warm cups of cocoa and a few laughs.
FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR
This one was just 22 minutes of Uncle Phil eating a three whole Christmas turkeys and making the whole family sit their uncomfortably and watch him do it to prove some kind of point after Will stayed out past curfew or something like that.
Laura and Urkel keep trying to top each other over who gets the most expensive Christmas gift. Laura finally decides on getting him a top of the line microscope, while Urkel makes her a clone-Laura that’s just a cooler version of herself. Seriously, why weren’t more people bothered by the fact that Urkel regularly played God? There’s also an amusing coda during the credits where Carl finds a donut in Urkel’s God machine, goes in with a fly, and emerges as some sickly looking half-fly, half-Carl amalgamation.
Danny gets drunk and tells the girls some horrifying secrets: 1) their mother had not died in a car accident, but killed herself due to hypochondria brought on by Danny’s excessive cleaning habits, 2) Joey was actually Michelle’s father, and 3) He had gotten Kimmy Gibler pregnant the previous Christmas and pushed her down the steps at a 49ers game for a makeshift abortion.
In the Kwanzaa episode, Khadijah is reunited with her long-lost husband, King Latifah.
Larry and Balki have no money for their girlfriends’ Christmas presents, so they turn to gambling on football. After placing bets they can’t afford and losing, a bookie ends up forcing them to rob a bank. Balki ends up killing a security guard, execution style, just to show everyone he means business.
STEP BY STEP
JT and Dana end up making out over some strong Christmas egg nog, followed by a ten minute loop of Patrick Duffy sighing and saying, “JT!” in that exasperated voice he used every episode. Also, that guy from Kickboxer II gets messed up and grabs Suzanne Somers’ left ass cheek.
Martin reacts to every Christmas present he receives by exclaiming “Dayum, Gina!”
Ben doesn’t believe in Santa, but is shocked on Christmas Eve to find him in the Seaver’s living room, delivering gifts! It’s soon revealed however that it’s actually a home invasion, leading to a 14 minute Allan Thicke-on-Santa bareknuckle brawl which ends in Thicke breaking Santa’s back like Bane did to Batman.