I took a few weeks off, but we’re back with Week 15’s Rinse:
Chiefs 19, Packers 14
With KC’s win over the previously undefeated Packers, interim coach Romeo Crennel emerges as the clear favorite to win the “Best Coach Who Looks Like a Muffin” Award.
Cowboys 31, Bucs 15
Tampa’s eighth straight loss moves coach Raheem Morris from the Mike Tomlin “Young Black Coach Who Knows What He’s Doing” class down into Mike Singletary “Black Coach Who Talks Loudly and Aggressively To Cover Up That He’s Actually an Idiot” territory.
Falcons 41, Jaguars 14
With reports of Atlanta coach Mike Smith having heart troubles this week, this win means all the Falcons can go back to quietly ignoring it when Smith clutches his left arm at the dinner table for a few minutes, saying, “ARGH…shit,” then breathing deeply for a few minutes before screaming, “I’m fine…why’s everybody so fucking quiet? I said I’m fine, goddamnit! Eat your fucking soup.”
Redskins 23, Giants 10
The second Washington victory over New York marks the first Redskin sweep since the last time Albert Haynesworth swept one of his beefy paws over the jugs of a Reston, Virginia waitress.
Dolphins 30, Bills 23
The postgame press conference was interrupted by a haggard looking Tony Sparano, who burst in wearing sweats and smelling of urine, yelling, “Am I pissed that I got fired and screwed over? Damn straight, but not as mad as Jimmy Darmody should be after that rat bastard Nucky Thompson screwed him over and plugged him in the head. How in the hell you going to shoot your surrogate son like that? I’m here to tell you that Boardwalk Empire sucks, and nobody should watch it. RIP Jimmy.” Sobbing, Sparano then threw several garbage bags full of money back out to the crowd, tipped his cap, and tearfully bid the assembled throng of reporters, “Good day.”
Seahawks 38, Bears 14
Seattle’s recent run of success is due to one of three things: better preparedness, better coaching, or the fact that four weeks ago Tarvaris Jackson and Mike Vick were cursed by a Haitian witch doctor and forced to switch bodies.
Colts 27, Titans 13
The Colts first victory clarifies their way forward, and GM Bill Polian’s ultimate plan: that the Colts need neither Andrew Luck or Peyton Manning and plan to go with Dan Orlovsky as their quarterback of the future.
Bengals 20, Rams 13
Rookie WR A.J. Green keyed the Cincinnati win, battling an ankle injury to surpass 1,000 yards receiving. “Just a mild sprain,” Green said later about his ailment. “It’s nothing serious. I wouldn’t miss these games for my life.” In what would be a kickass Twilight Zone plot, Green was then asked by Satan if he’d miss the games for the life of some random guy he doesn’t know, plus $10 million in cash.
Saints 42, Vikings 20
Drew Brees is a lock to pass Dan Marino’s record for passing yards in a season. In order to complete the similarities to their career trajectories, Brees now plans to appear in an Ace Ventura remake starring Ryan Reynolds as Ace, Al Sharpton as Tone Loc, and Lady Gaga as Ray Finkel. Best part is, they won’t need any prosthetic genitalia for this one.
Lions 28, Raiders 27
Ndamukong Suh blocked what would have been a game tying Oakland field goal to end the game. “See? I can block field goals. I don’t know why everyone thinks I’m such a bad guy,” said Suh, who spent his two game suspension practicing kicking guys, robbing a bank, sneezing on all the blankets at a homeless shelter, and helping the Grinch steal Christmas.
Panthers 28, Texans 13
Highlight of the game was a Carolina trick play, in which the Panthers showed a video on the JumboTron of David Blaine doing some douche trick followed by the Texans being too angry at Blaine’s douchiness to tackle the ballcarrier.
Patriots 41, Broncos 23
Unfortunately, Tim Tebow’s connection with God could not overcome Bill Belichick’s pact with Lucifer in which he is allowed one AFC East title for each innocent soul he delivers to the Dark Lord.
Eagles 45, Jets 19
This win marks the Philadelphia’s sixth win, a desperate attempt by the team to keep their slim playoff hopes alive, and the first time anyone has used the words slim to describe anything associated with Andy Reid.
Cardinals 20, Browns 17
This game ended in an overtime period that was officiated by coaches Ken Whisenhunt and Pat Shurmur, who stepped up when the game officials decided after regulation that they no longer gave a shit who won or lost.
Chargers 34, Ravens 14
Rumors of coach Norv Turner’s firing at season’s end did not deter San Diego from winning big. “All that off the field stuff, it’s for the birds,” said QB Phil Rivers. “We can’t control it. All we can do is go out there, play hard, and execute Coach Gruden’s game plan that he emails us the night before the game without the knowledge of the current coaching staff because he was secretly hired five weeks ago.” Rivers then paused and said, “Wait, did I say that out loud?”
Who’s Good for Tonight?
Ben Roethlisberger plans to play, so I think the Steelers edge the Niners in a close, defensive struggle. Much like the defensive struggle needed for any woman who comes within a 500 yard radius of Big Ben after a few Jack and Cokes.
That’s all for week fifteen. Bring it right back here, next Monday and every Monday, or whenever I feel like it really, for the Internet’s only Monday morning recap of Sunday’s NFL action.