Week 12 saw a slew of Turkey Day showdowns, but Sunday’s leftovers weren’t too bad either. San Fran/Baltimore may have been great as the main meal, but fumbling around in the dark at midnight to throw Denver/San Diego or New England/Philly in the microwave as you remembered how much you hated your family weren’t too shabby. On with the Rinse:
PACKERS 27, LIONS 15
Lions DT Ndamokuh Suh shoved a guy’s head into the ground three times and then stomped him in the arm. Suh’s explanation afterwards was that he was trying to maintain his balance, like the way Ike used Tina’s forehead to regain his composure.
COWBOYS 20, DOLPHINS 19
Fins coach Tony Sparano was dejected but optimistic after the loss. “Watching a tough loss is close,” lamented Sparano. “Kind of like the way Atlantic City treasurer Nucky Thompson’s bitch Margaret watched her daughter lost the use of her legs to polio on Boardwalk Empire. You know what else is tough? Being in over your head as a boss, which Jimmy Darmody most certainly is. Is he going to kill rival gangster Manny Horvitz? Is he going to reunite with his old pal Nucky? I have no fucking idea. That shit cray. The only way to find out is to tune into HBO every Sunday night at 9 PM.” Sparano then picked up a large briefcase full of money with the letters ”HBO” written on the front, tipped his cap, and bid the assembled throng of reporters, “Good day.”
PATRIOTS 38, EAGLES 20
The unhappy Philly faithful let their displeasure be known by cascading the team with a “FIRE ANDY!” chant directed at coach Andy Reid. In response, owner Jeffrey Lurie immediately replaced Reid with Bucks, PA County resident Joe Mangiatoni, an overweight, unemployed greaseball who has spent the last 45 years of his life attaching his own emotional well being to the achievements of 53 grown men he has absolutely no personal connection to whatsoever.
RAVENS 16, 49ERS 6
John Harbaugh defeated Jim Harbaugh, in the first head to head coaching matchup of two brothers since week ten, when Mike Tomlin took on Marvin Lewis. The Ravens defense especially should be commended, as they didn’t have one linebacker on the active roster who had ever helped another guy try to kill a dude.
REDSKINS 23, SEAHAWKS 17
After breaking a six game losing streak, Skins coach Mike Shanahan reportedly allowed his constipated grimace to turn slightly upward in the greatest show of emotion his craggly, weatherbeaten face can manage.
CARDINALS 23, RAMS 20
Arizona CB Patrick Peterson returned yet ANOTHER punt for a TD to sink St. Louis, affirming his domination of his division rival. Peterson would have provided comment, but he was too busy banging out Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt’s wife then hanging out with Whisenhunt’s kids because they like Peterson better and wish he were really their Dad.
TITANS 23, BUCS 17
Despite the loss, for the second time in his career Bucs RB LaGarrette Blount did that thing where he jumps over a guy and then makes a long run. The defender he jumped over will face no punishment the team but has been let go from his second job as a subway turnstile.
FALCONS 24, VIKINGS 14
After opening up a 17 point lead, Atlanta let Minnesota get back in a game that was closer than it should have been. “At the end of the day, we had more points than they did,” Falcons coach Mike Smith said afterwards. “That’s the most important stat.” Smith paused, then added, “The least important stat? Number of emotions experienced by Falcons coach Mike Smith during the fourth quarter. I assure you, that number would be infinite!” Smith laughed for a moment, then began bawling into his satin kerchief.
BENGALS 23, BROWNS 20
The Browns wasted another good start to choke and lose again. “I’m not sure what to pin this one on,” sighed coach Pat Shurmur. “Poor playcalling, lack of execution, the fact that our team ate a huge, Thanksgiving turkey dinner at halftime with mashed potatoes, stuffing, candied yams, and thick gravy while washing it down with generous helpings of Mountain Dew. It could be any number of things.”
JETS 28, BILLS 24
Buffalo WR Stevie Johnson mocked Jets WR Plaxico Burress during a TD celebration by pretending to shoot himself in the thigh. Johnson would later drop what could have been the game-winning touchdown, making the earlier celebration a prescient metaphor for his upcoming gaffe. Ironic, because in high school Johnson was in an acapella group known as the Prescient Metaphors.
PANTHERS 27, COLTS 19
The Colts got one win closer to immortality, pushing their record to 0-11. Colts GM Bill Polian had no answers. “On one hand, we’re frustrated,” said Polian, “but on the other hand, I was able to get a great deal on a St. John’s Bay overcoat at JCPenney’s on Black Friday. $120 peacoat for just $49.98.” When asked to elaborate as to how that would have anything to do with the Colts or football at all, Polian simply took a swig from his soda, blankly stared ahead at nothing, nodded, and said, “Fuckin’ $49.98. Great deal.”
TEXANS 20, JAGUARS 13
With their top two quarterbacks out for the year, Houston will now turn to rookie and former UNC QB TJ Yates for the remainder of the season. Ironically, their next available QB is Yates’ Bizarro World counterpart JT Tayes. Tayes is like Yates in every way except that he has a goatee, attended NC State, and is good at football.
BRONCOS 16, CHARGERS 13
With his seventh career victory, Tim Tebow joined legendary NFL passer Danny Kannell to become one of only two QBs with more wins than completions.
RAIDERS 25, BEARS 20
Sebastian Janikowski kicked a Raiders record six field goals in the victory and dedicated the effort to Polish kids everywhere who enjoy kicking things.
STEELERS 13, CHIEFS 9
On the final play in regulation, Kansas City WR Dwayne Bowe did not attempt to catch a pass thrown by QB Tyler Palko despite having a clear shot at it with little opposition. This just confirms my theory that Arrowhead Stadium is indeed haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cornerbacks that hate Dwayne Bowe.
WHO’S GOOD FOR TONIGHT?
The Giants need this win to keep pace with Dallas, so I like them with the upset over the Saints. Brandon Jacobs last week said that Giants fans boo the team too much so after the fans will be taking the team out to dinner and a show. Because every once in awhile a football team just wants to feel pretty.
That’s all for week twelve. Bring it right back here, next Monday and every Monday, for the Internet’s only Monday morning recap of Sunday’s NFL action.