The new Twilight movie premiered Thursday at midnight. I’ve never seen any of them, and I never will. Below is a quick summary of what I’d rather do than watch Twilight:
* Would rather have an orgy with Jerry Sandusky and Chaz Bono.
* Would rather try to sit on a Christmas tree with all the trimmings.
* Would rather get molested and count on Mike McQueary to alert the proper authorities that I am in fact being violated.
* Would rather come across one of those Brazilian goliath bird-eating tarantulas at Starbucks, then awkwardly realize that he’s the one responding to my ad for a new roommate on Craig’s List.
* Would rather huff paint with all my relatives and then go shopping with them on Black Friday.
* Would rather have my home smell like the armpit of an Occupy Wall Street protester.
* Would rather get locked in a crate with an angry chimpanzee after someone dressed me like a lady chimpanzee (which is basically just me wearing a chimpanzee mask with a red bow on my head).
* Would rather get personally trained by a malfunctioning personal trainer robot that makes me run 25 miles an hour on the treadmill for 3 hours with no break.
* Would rather walk into the yard at a lady’s prison and yell out, “What’s up, you dumb tricks? Too stupid to get away from the cops, eh? Well no matter. I say, you over there with the mullet and the dumbbell? Fetch three of your heftiest gal pals and let us proceed with a foursome.”
* Would rather walk through an NAACP convention wearing the same sign John McClane did in Die Hard III.
Don’t go see Twilight, everybody.