RAIDERS 24, CHARGERS 17
Many Charger fans speculate that QB Phil Rivers lackluster performance in the Thursday night game was due to his anxiety over missing his favorite television program, The Mentalist. When asked about his team’s chances to win the AFC West after this crucial loss, Rivers stated, “What happened? Did the Mentalist make it out of this episode alive? Is he okay? Someone guarantee me that the Mentalist is okay! And if he’s not, then lie to me, damnit!”
SAINTS 26, FALCONS 23
Atlanta coach Mike Smith’s ill-fated decision to go for it on fourth down in overtime while deep in New Orleans territory has been widely criticized. “Look, we can play the blame game all day. Michael Turner got stuffed, the defense didn’t hold, the coaching staff spent all fifteen minutes of halftime huffing paint – the bottom line is that we as a team didn’t get it done. Now, off topic – does anyone have a plastic bag?”
STEELERS 24, BENGALS 17
Pittsburgh defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau’s unit managed 2 fourth quarter interceptions of Andy Dalton. “We came up with a lot of big plays – or as we here in Pittsburgh like to call them, ‘Deep Dickings,'” said LeBeau. When asked about this, coach Mike Tomlin stated that LeBeau is the only one who calls them that.
COWBOYS 44, BILLS 7
This loss can be attributed to either the Bills poor defense, inept offense, or the fact that the team hypnotist finally took a week off after convincing the team to forget that they were still, in fact, the Buffalo Bills.
RAMS 13, BROWNS 12
The Browns continue to lose and search for answers. “You kind of scratch your head and wonder, ‘Where is all this bad luck coming from? Why?’ ” McCoy paused, then added, “My guess is that it has something to do with that ancient Indian burial ground they built the stadium on. That or poor drafting.”
JAGUARS 17, COLTS 3
On the bright side, these two terrible teams exposed NFL fans in Jacksonville and Indianapolis to a much-needed clinic on how to get 3 and outs and punt.
BRONCOS 17, CHIEFS 10
Tim Tebow was only 2 for 8 as Denver ran the option almost all day in Denver coach John Fox’s passive aggressive method of turning Tebow into a running back. Next week’s game plan will include Tebow changing his uniform number to 32 and standing behind the team’s new “halfback” receiving direct snaps, Brady Quinn.
DOLPHINS 20, REDSKINS 9
After opening the season 0-7, the Dolphins won their second in a row and coach Tony Sparano feels optimistic. “Now that we’re 2-7, we can breathe easy. But can Atlantic City treasurer Nucky Thompson? Will he galvanize the black community to strike and get help from “The Cause” over in Ireland? How the hell should I know, I haven’t watched this week’s episode. I’ve got it on DVR, so don’t tell me what happens. But you should watch, this Sunday and every Sunday, only on HBO!” Sparano then picked up a large briefcase full of money with the letters ”HBO” written on the front, tipped his cap, and bid the assembled throng of reporters, “Good day.”
CARDINALS 21, EAGLES 17
Philadelphia collapsed in the fourth quarter to drop to 3-6. Their playoff hopes all but dashed, the media is now free to once again bring up the fact that Michael Vick murdered defenseless animals in cold blood.
TEXANS 37, BUCS 9
The Texans offensive onslaught continues, as this week Arian Foster, Ben Tate, and Derrick Ward all had solid efforts on the ground. Feeling bold, Houston even again let coach Gary Kubiak take a few carries. Kubiak finished with -123 yards on 34 carries, including one unfortunate play where he somehow ended up getting his head shoved clean up Ronde Barber’s asshole.
TITANS 30, PANTHERS 3
Chris Johnson finally had a good day, rushing for 130 yards. Tennessee players and coaches heaped praise onto Johnson afterwards, which is akin to complimenting a deadbeat dad for making a child support payment because he finally did what he was supposed to do.
SEAHAWKS 22, RAVENS 17
Seattle rode an early lead to shock the world with a victory. “Coaches love nothing more than to get that situation in the fourth quarter and run the clock out,” Seattle coach Pete Carroll said, then added, “Actually, I probably love getting blown on my birthday more. But running the clock out is definitely second.”
BEARS 37, LIONS 13
Devin Hester returned yet another punt for a TD in a dominating Bears performance. This win lets Hester move closer to his lifelong dream of settling down with his wife and kids in a quiet, rural town on a farm somewhere while operating a kick returning school for underprivileged youths.
49ERS 27, GIANTS 20
Despite the Niners win, Giants WR Victor Cruz solidified his standing as the best NFL player whose name sounds like he’s the villain in a Michael Mann movie.
PATRIOTS 37, JETS 16
Although his Jets team came up short, coach Rex Ryan was not short on bluster. “I will guarantee you this,” said Jets coach Rex Ryan afterwards, “before the season is over, I will make at least two more guarantees.” Ryan then took a comically large bite out of a submarine sandwich and bolted off.
WHO’S GOOD FOR TONIGHT?
The Packers will manhandle the hapless Vikings. In an attempt to level the playing field, Aaron Rodgers plans to play this game blindfolded after drinking a handle of Captain Morgan. Experts are predicting he’ll only throw 2 touchdowns instead of his usual 5.
That’s all for week ten. Bring it right back here, next Monday and every Monday, for the Internet’s only Monday morning recap of Sunday’s NFL action.