GIANTS 24, PATRIOTS 20
This was a hard fought game that surprisingly featured multiple Patriot turnovers, including Patriots WR Julian Edelman fumbling a punt return. Pats coach Bill Belicheck encouraged Edelman to hold onto the ball as if it was a woman’s ass at a night club.
49ERS 19, REDSKINS 11
Rumor has it that Skins coach Mike Shanahan may have to strip his son and offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan of playcalling duties after several of the other coaches’ parents called to complain that his kid was getting all the opportunities.
SAINTS 27, BUCS 16
New Orleans dedicated this win to coach Sean Payton, who after tearing his MCL several weeks ago was tragically put down by gunshot.
DOLPHINS 31, CHIEFS 3
The Dolphins achieved their first victory, and coach Tony Sparano couldn’t have been happier. “We definitely won this week, unlike Atlantic City treasurer Nucky Thompson. Not only did his former protege try to have him killed, but his girlfriend boned his driver. How will Nuck rebound? Will he enlist the help of his former nemesis, Arnold Rothstein? Will he coax Agent Van Alden into serving as a double agent? I don’t fucking know yet! There’s only one way to find out, and that’s by tuning in to Boardwalk Empire, every Sunday at 9, only on HBO!” Sparano then picked up a large briefcase full of money with the letters ”HBO” written on the front, tipped his cap, and bid the assembled throng of reporters, “Good day.”
COWBOYS 23, SEAHAWKS 13
Tony Romo played a mostly effective game, his first without painkillers since breaking a rib in Week 2. “The best part about the painkillers is that I can totally stop anytime I want. I haven’t even had any since last night at 11:44 pm central standard time. I’m totally fine. Why are these lights so bright? But like I said, I can stop anytime I want, and that’s what I want to do right now, unless of course any of you guys have any we can grind up and snort right here maybe?” Romo is listed as questionable for next week’s game, as he isn’t sure he’ll be able to get all those bugs off his skin by kickoff.
FALCONS 31, COLTS 7
“I don’t know what everybody’s so upset about,” said Colts coach Jim Caldwell. “I mean, you know the Dolphins lost, right? That means we’re right there in line to get Andrew Luck. I can’t wait to coach his ass up next year. Wait, why are all you reporters laughing at me?”
JETS 27, BILLS 11
Plaxico Burress was again a focal point of the Jets offense, catching 5 passes for 79 yards. He hasn’t seen this many balls forced his way since prison.
BENGALS 24, TITANS 17
Under QB Andy Dalton, the Bengals have their longest winning streak (5) since 1988. “All this has been made possible through the support of my family,” said an emotional Dalton after the win. “I have to give credit to my Mom, Wendy, and my Dad, Alfred E. Neuman.”
BRONCOS 38, RAIDERS 24
If Tim Tebow hadn’t won this game, Denver’s contingency plan was to try a Muslim at QB followed by a Jew in a plot to once and for all figure out which religion God loves best.
PACKERS 45, CHARGERS 38
Phil Rivers threw two pick-sixes that ended up being the difference. “This may seem like poor QB play, but it’s actually part of my Healthy Eating Awareness Campaign in conjunction with the White House and the first lady, Michelle Obama,” said Rivers. “We have this new thing where we encourage children to eat three fruits and three vegetables a day – in other words, ‘pick-six.’ Today’s performance was just an effort to bring that campaign to light.” Upon being contacted, no one at the White House had any idea what the fuck Rivers was talking about.
CARDINALS 19, RAMS 13
Cards CB Patrick Peterson returned a punt from the 1 yard line for a touchdown in overtime. Usually punt returners are coached to not catch balls punted inside the ten, but prior to the game Peterson had worn a rather expensive Tommy Bahama shirt he had just purchased the night before, so he was feeling a little saucy.
TEXANS 30, BROWNS 12
Both Texans RBs, Arian Foster and Ben Tate, ran for over 100 yards. The team got so greedy that they allowed coach Gary Kubiak a few carries. Foster finished with 124 yards, Tate with 115, and Kubiak with -45, including one unfortunate carry that ended with him getting his head shoved clean up his asshole.
RAVENS 23, STEELERS 20
While many experts still disagree on which of these teams is better after this instant classic, there’s one thing all can agree on: both fanbases regard their teams’ on-field success as their own personal achievements and insufferably verbalize that at every opportunity.
WHO’S GOOD FOR TONIGHT?
While the Eagles are on a roll, I think the Bears win a close one. A more intriguing matchup is DeSean Jackson vs. Devin Hester in the Battle of Guys Who Are Only Really Good at One Thing and Secretly Suck at Fantasy.
That’s all for week nine. Bring it right back here, next Monday and every Monday, for the Internet’s only Monday morning recap of Sunday’s NFL action.