Why Chris Christie Should Have Run for President

Chris Christie recently announced he would not be running for election in 2012 and then promptly endorsed Mitt Romney for the Republican nomination. Disappointing for a number of reasons: Christie is a strong candidate and would be a worthy challenger (and possible successor) to President Obama.

But there’s another much larger reason: America needs another fat president.

Obesity is a major issue in the country. Not only are our children getting fatter and fatter, but never before has obesity been rationalized by a greater percentage of the population. Anyone who points that out is chastised despite the fact that criticizing an unhealthy condition is entirely valid if done so in the appropriate manner. It’s an epidemic. That’s where the fat president comes in. If we had a fat president,  the American public would get a daily reminder that they needed to get their shit together.

“Did you watch the State of the Union last night?”

“Got through the first two minutes, then I had to hit the treadmill and eat some celery. Does my ass look big in these jeans?”

Also: the entertainment value of a fat president would be great. I bet he’d shoehorn food references into as many speeches as possible. “My fellow Americans, if the Democrats want stricter gun laws, they might as well just take the Constitution itself, deep fry it, dip it in thick molasses, sprinkle it with a liberal helping of parmesan and oregano, lay it on a slice of foccacia bread, then lovingly drizzle melted gouda over the top of it…oh my God…I feel faint.” By the end of the speech, he just abandons the metaphor and starts jerking off to a Cinnabon.

This country hasn’t had a fat president since Howie Taft, and he worked out pretty well. Clinton was chubby, but his BMI couldn’t have been that high. Christie is a legit fat ass. You can tell because he has that weird thing where his pants go way too high over his waist over the bottom part of his gut. That’s the sign of a true fat guy. Christie might as well wear a barrel with suspenders.

One possible problem: this makes the president an easier target for adversaries, or possibly even the Vice President. Maybe he sabotages the commander in chief through temptation to encourage an early heart attack. At a state dinner: “Wow, only three dinner rolls for a BIG BOY like you?” At a cabinet meeting: “You’re not going to finish that muffin, sir? Oh my bad, I thought you were the leader of the free world, not some punk bitch.” On the campaign trail: “Anytime they’re baking a pig on a spit, it’s campaign tradition for the candidate to eat the whole thing and the pig’s family. You wouldn’t want to break tradition, would you?” If the VP is an especially conniving bastard, he could force diabetes within six months.

But the most important reason we should have a fat president: soup kitchen reform. This is a man who hasn’t missed too many meals, so he probably finds the idea of someone else missing them revolting. He’d do all in his power to feed the hungry. Bums would have better soup and food in general. And rest assured, the President himself will be raiding the kitchen weekly to make sure the menu’s still up to snuff. I just imagine President Christie sitting there in a bib, feverishly stuffing his face and giving an occasional thumbs up as the soup kitchen staff  members look on, horrified.

No matter who runs for president in 2012, I urge you to vote for the fattest candidate. One caveat: I’m talking about legitimately fat people, not Herman Cain in his “Big Momma” costume.


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