The Monday Morning Rinse

The NFL Monday Morning Rinse (art by Elizabeth Reid)

The Monday Morning Rinse is back….in blog form:

*In the Surprisingly Good Bowl, the 49ers edged the Lions 25-19. Lions coach Jim Schwartz and Niners coach Jim Harbaugh got into a shouting match during the postgame handshake. “There’s a protocol in this league,” said Schwartz afterward, “and violation of that protocol sometimes calls for physical expressions of our latent homosexuality. Wait, did I just say that out loud?”

* Switching quarterbacks still wasn’t enough for the Redskins to topple the Eagles, as they lost 20-13. Rex Grossman was pulled after throwing four interceptions. “I’m disappointed at Coach Shanahan,” said Grossman after the game. “On a weekend where D.C. honored the great Martin Luther King, Jr., I thought I’d be applauded for giving so many young black defensive backs an opportunity to catch footballs.”

* The Packers manhandled the Rams 24-3. Aaron Rodgers had a ridiculous amount of time to throw on every play. At one point he dropped back, checked all his receivers, did his taxes, left the stadium, caught a showing of Moneyball, took a date out for drinks at TGI Fridays, and solved a Sudoku before flicking a bomb to James Jones for six.

* The Bengals beat the Colts 27-17. In an unrelated story, Colts coach Jim Caldwell might want to consider applying for the Bloomingdale’s Executive Training Program.

* The Falcons topped the Panthers 31-17. “We need to get our identity back, and that starts with running the football,” noted Falcons RB Michael Turner. Turner added that the loss of their identity had led to fraudulent charges on the team’s credit card, as none of the Falcons would own up to a $3,000 bill from a phone sex line.

* In the day’s best contest, the Giants beat the Bills 27-24. Bills QB Ryan Fitzpatrick threw two costly interceptions. It was the first game in which a Bills QB threw two picks since…well, pretty much every game from 2002-2010.

* The Ravens won fairly convincingly over the Texans, 29-14. Texans RB Arian Foster was especially critical of his own efforts: “There were yards out there on the field that we left. I played terrible. I didn’t play a good game; it was obvious. That will never happen again.”  When asked to clarify, Foster added, “I don’t mean we’ll never play bad, I mean we’ll never play period. The Houston Texans are a shitty team, so we’re quitting football forever. We forfeit everything. Goodbye, NFL.” Foster then stood up and clapped sarcastically for the rest of the players in the locker room.

* The Steelers defeated the Jaguars, 17-13. Pittsburgh safety Troy Polamalu will most likely be fined for using a cell phone during the game on the sideline.  “Not sure what the big deal is,” yelled Polamalu afterwards. “I mean, how else am I supposed to let my bookie know that I’m going to fake an injury and leave the game like he asked me to, otherwise he’ll kill my whole family?”

* The Raiders beat the Browns 24-17 in their first home game since the death of Al Davis. Prior to the game, John Madden lit an eternal flame to honor Davis. He then spent the next three hours using it to make several dozen S’mores. Seriously, by the end of the game homeboy had pounded like 85 S’mores. He ended up passing out on the sideline, the front of his shirt generously smattered with melted milk chocolate and marshmellow.

* The Bucs nipped the Saints 26-20 in a game where Saints coach Sean Payton tore his MCL after a collision with Saints TE Jimmy Graham. While the play looked incidental, Graham confirmed that it was purposeful after Payton and Graham argued about the merits of ’80’s pop duo Hall and Oates. “Coach prefers Hall, and I’m an Oates man,” said Graham. “Coming around me and dissing Oates is the easiest way to get your MCL torn.”

* The Patriots scored a late TD to beat the Cowboys, 20-16. Patriots WR Wes Welker was limited to only 45 yards, proving that he is not in fact a robot.

* The Bears destroyed the Vikings, 39-10. After a 98 yard Devin Hester TD return, reporters asked Vikes coach Leslie Frazier whose idea it was to kick to the expert return man: “Well, um…” stammered Frazier, shifting uncomfortably. “It was uh…it was Donovan’s idea. Yeah…Yeah! It was definitely Donovan.” Frazier then muttered, “Might as well blame that shit on him too.”

That’s all for week six. Bring it right back here, next Monday and every Monday, for the Internet’s only Monday morning recap of Sunday’s NFL action.

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