* A crucial offsides penalty late sealed a 31-24 Bills victory of the Eagles. Philly coach Andy Reid was shocked that one of his players jumped, not because of the lack of discipline, but because anyone being able to jump still amazes his fat ass.
* The Colts were unable to gain their first victory as they lost to the Chiefs 28-24. Chiefs QB Matt Cassell threw two touchdowns to WR Dwayne Bowe and said of his teammate: “He is a guy I trust with all my heart – and the ball.” Bowe and Cassell then locked eyes from across the locker room and began slow dancing to Lionel Ritchie’s 1984 hit Hello.
* The Vikings still have a long way to go, but they finally got a W, topping the Cards 34-10. “There isn’t some magic wand we can wave, and it will all get better,” noted Vikings WR Percy Harvin, causing teammate Adrian Peterson to toss his copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows to the ground in disbelief, mouth the words, “No!” and storm out of the stadium in full pads bawling.
* The Steelers handled the Titans 38-17. Ben Roethlisberger sexually assaulted the Tennessee secondary to the tune of 5 touchdowns. When the game was done, Roethlisberger sneered that the Titans’ money was on the dresser as cornerback Cortland Finnegan sat on the edge of the field shivering.
* The Seahawks stunned the Giants at home 36-25. Much maligned quarterback Charlie Whitehurst led the comeback and would have provided comments to the press after the game, but he was late for his monthly Kenny Loggins Look-Alike Club meeting.
* The Raiders avenged the death of Al Davis by defeating the Texans for an emotional victory, 25-20. “This one was special,” sobbed Raiders coach Hue Jackson,”I mean, everyone knows that Mr. Davis has been dead and feasting off the blood of the living since 1988, but after the descendant of Abraham Van Helsing finally found him Saturday and plunged a wooden stake into his heart, we knew we had to win this one.” Jackson paused, then added, “Al actually contacted me from beyond the grave and wanted to let everyone know that he enjoyed watching the game in Hell, along with his new neighbor, Steve Jobs.”
* The Bengals beat the Jags 30-20 to push Jacksonville to 1-4. “It’s a pretty crappy feeling right now,” said Jags coach Jack Del Rio. When asked if his “crappy feeling” had anything to do with the fifteen 7-11 corndog rollers Del Rio consumed on the sideline during the game, the coach belched and quickly said, “No comment.”
* The Saints came back to beat the Panthers late, 30-27. Saints kicker John Kasay returned to Charlotte to kick three field goals in the lamest revenge plotline since Karate Kid III.
* The 49ers destroyed the Bucs, 48-3. Niners CB Carlos Rogers returned an interception for a touchdown after San Francisco coaches informed he was actually allowed to catch balls thrown directly at him.
* The Tebow Era began in Denver as the Chargers nipped the Broncos, 29-24. Denver QB Tim Tebow replaced deposed starter Kyle Orton to the fans’ delight. The stint will be short lived, however, as Tebow will be spending the next six months on a mission in some weird Central American country building mud huts and pushing Jesus on everybody.
* The Pats defeated the Jets 30-21. New England RB BenJarvus Green-Ellis rushed for a career high 136 yards and two TDs and urged Patriot fans to now refer to him by his original, given name of Obi-WanJarvus Green-Ellis.
* In yet another statement game, the Packers looked strong in the second half to overcome the Falcons, 25-14. The NBC Sunday night game was unbearable to watch, not due to the quality of play, but because of the multiple ads for new NBC shitcom Whitney.
Who’s Good for Tonight?
The Lions haven’t hosted a Monday night game since Prohibition, so their fans will be primed. I think they take out the Bears. Rumor has it that to save everyone some time, the refs are planning to award Calvin Johnson two touchdowns before the game even starts.
That’s all for week five. Bring it right back here, next Monday and every Monday, for the Internet’s only Monday morning recap of Sunday’s NFL action.