* The NFL’s Dream Team lost yet again as the 49ers beat the Eagles 24-23. When asked how he felt about the team’s 1-3 start, Michael Vick told reporters, “Do I really have to explain how I feel at 1-3?” Vick then pulled out a boombox, blasted the Who’s 1964 hit “I Can’t Explain,” and awkwardly stared at reporters until they left the facility, one by one.
* The Steelers continue to show signs of wear as they lose to the Texans 17-10. Texans RB Arian Foster gave his fantasy owners a solid day with over 150 rushing yards and a score. While Foster has expressed his disdain for fantasy football, it should be noted that fantasy players are the only group who actually know Arian Foster is a football player and not a Nazi heir to an Australian beer fortune.
* The Jags stayed competitive but didn’t have enough juice to overcome the Saints, falling 23-10. Darren Sproles had 188 all-purpose yards as he continued to flourish in Reggie Bush’s old role as Saints’ offensive jack-of-all-trades. The Saints were quick to remind their fans though that they still loved Reggie, just in a different way, and that the fans would still be able to see him every other weekend.
* The Lions came back to beat the Cowboys 34-30. Calvin Johnson scored twice after Cowboys defensive coordinator Rob Ryan last week said that his team faces two receivers better than Johnson in practice. Ryan clarified after the game: “I was serious. I built a time machine and convinced 1987 Jerry Rice and 1998 Randy Moss to join our practice squad. One might wonder why I wouldn’t just have us play for the team, but then the real Jerry Rice and Randy Moss might see themselves on TV, which would lead to a whole lot of space time continuum issues I don’t have time to deal with.”
* The Redskins topped the Rams 17-10 despite a two Rex Grossman interceptions. Grossman noted that while he understood the fans’ frustration, committing turnovers is a Grossman family tradition, tracing all the way back to 1862 when Confederate general Cornelius T. Grossman commanded his troops to run ahead and throw their guns directly to the advancing Union soldiers.
* The Chiefs edged the Vikings 22-17 in what some called the Andrew Luck Bowl because the loser would have a better shot to land Luck in next year’s draft. After watching the game, Luck had no comment on the moniker, as he was too busy looking for a bridge to hurl himself off of.
* The Titans beat the Browns 31-13. Despite the loss, Browns QB Colt McCoy passed a season-high 61 times. When asked for the lack of balance between the running and passing game, Browns coach Pat Shurmur said, “Usually we like to get [running back] Monterio [Hardesty] involved, but Colt’s on my fantasy team.”
* Relapsing into the recesses of all that is failure, the Bills lost their first game of the year to the Bengals, 20-13. “This was a tough loss, but I don’t want everyone to think we were getting ahead of ourselves or being cocky,” said Bills coach Chan Gailey after the loss. “Oh, by the way, the 4-0 parade set for downtown Buffalo has been cancelled,” Gailey added, as he kept his hands in his pockets in a clear effort to hide his commemorative diamond-studded “BILLS 4-0” ring.
* The Bears survived another impressive Cam Newton performance, beating the Panthers 34-29. Devin Hester set a new record, returning his eleventh career punt for a touchdown. Hester credited his high school coach for getting him in the habit of returning things by forcing Hester to get up at 5AM every day to go to retail outlets and obtain refunds for previously purchased items.
* A controversial non-fumble call on WR Victor Cruz allowed the Giants to come back late to beat the Cardinals, 31-27. Refs ruled that when Cruz let go of the ball, it was due to him stopping the play early rather than fumbling. Coach Tom Coughlin said, “I buy that. In this organization, we’re all about stopping early. Whether it’s runs, throws, practices, press confer-” before he sprinted out of the room.
* The Falcons barely survived a Seahawks comeback attempt, 30-28. Seahawks kicker Steven Hauschka‘s 61 yard FG attempt with 13 seconds left was no good. Coach Pete Carroll was shocked, not because of the miss, but because he assumed it was only a 41 yard field goal because he never learned how to count.
* The Packers rolled the Broncos 49-23. Packers QB Aaron Rodgers passed for 4 touchdowns and ran for two more. Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy was reportedly angered that the Pack didn’t then get the opportunity to let Rodgers return a kickoff, return a punt, play linebacker and take a Pick-6 to the house, or kick an 80 yard field goal.
* The Chargers defeated the Dolphins 26-19. Many are questioning the job security of Miami coach Tony Sparano, but for his part, Sparano felt confident. “My job may be in jeopardy, but no more so than the treasurer of 1921 Atlantic City, Nucky Thompson. He’s facing election rigging charges as his brother, mentor, and surrogate son have all seemingly betrayed him. But is Nuck giving up? Nope! Nuck’s fighting! And you can see Nuck fight every Sunday night at 9, only on HBO.” Sparano then picked up a large briefcase full of money with the letters ”HBO” written on the front, tipped his cap, and bid the assembled throng of reporters, “Good day.”
* The Pats beat the Raiders, 31-19. Former Patriot Richard Seymour, still bitter over being traded, lashed out against his old team, receiving an unnecessary roughness penalty early for nailing Pats QB Tom Brady. Seymour would have received more, but the Patriots took him out for a latte, let him air out his feelings, and calmly explained that, “It wasn’t you…it was us.”
* The Ravens defense easily manhandled the Jets, leading Baltimore to a 34-17 win in an ugly game that only featured one offensive touchdown. Unfortunately, the nickname for the Jets style of “ground and pound” cannot be replaced, as nothing rhymes with “we keep getting stuffed at the line of scrimmage and our defense blows.”
Who’s Good Tonight?
While the Bucs are still young and learning, I like them over an undermanned Colts team. Key to the matchup? Whether or not newly inserted Colts QB Curtis Painter can honor the name of his father, Fresco.
That’s all for week four. Bring it right back here, next Monday and every Monday, for the Internet’s only Monday morning recap of Sunday’s NFL action.