* The Giants beat the Eagles 29-16, aided by a stout defense and a hand injury that took out Michael Vick. In the end, backup QB Mike Kafka could not overcome poor game management, two crucial interceptions, and the fact that he had transformed into a giant cockroach.
* The Bills stunned the Patriots, 34-31. In a wildly confusing development Tom Brady threw four picks, dispelling the notion that his passing ability represents the paragon of human achievement. Bill receiver Stevie Johnson continues to prove he’s the best NFL player named after a blind musician since former Redskins linebacker Bocelli Johnson.
* Needing OT, the Lions squeaked past the Vikings 23-20 in their first Metrodome win in over 78 years. While their team choked with a ten point lead yet again, Viking fans can take solace in the fact that the ever-fattening QB Donovan McNabb continues to more closely resemble beloved McDonald’s character Grimace.
* The Titans topped the Broncos 17-10. Chris Johnson ran for only 21 yards on 13 carries in a disappointing effort. When asked about his disappointing play, Johnson told reporters, “You’d play shitty too if you got hit by a bus!” When the reporters asked when that happened, Johnson stammered, looked off in the distance, and said, “Whoa, is that Phil Collins?” Once the reporters looked away, Johnson retreated in the opposite direction.
*Cam Newton earned his first win, leading the Panthers over the Jags 16-10. Despite the team’s 1-2 record, the fanbase is estatic with the team’s progress. Panther fans are about as happy to be under 500 as a nympho at a gang bang.
* The Saints beat the Texans in a thriller, 40-33. The most shocking part about the game was that Texans white wide receiver Kevin Walter scored a 20 yard TD, proving to everyone that he is not, in fact, white wide receiver Kevin Curtis.
* The Dolphins blew it against the Browns, losing 17-16. No one gave a shit about this game. It was so boring, I’m just going to make up some stuff about it and no one will notice. Leading Dolphins receiver Optimus Prime openly questioned the leadership of quarterback Harry Truman, while Browns coach Freddie Mercury lauded the play of his defensive ace, standout linebacker the guy who played Balki from Perfect Strangers.
* The Niners just barely edged the Bengals, 13-8. When asked about the team’s recent distractions, coach Marvin Lewis said, “What distractions?” as wide receiver Jerome Simpson exited the players-only parking lot with a dump truck full of weed.
* The Ravens dominated the Rams, 37-7. Ravens receiver Torrey Smith was dominant, scoring three touchdowns. The performance was impressive enough for inclusion in the National Torrey Hall of Fame, alongside luminaries such as actress Tori Spelling, comedian Guy Torry, baseball manager Joe Torre, and noted Tory sympathizer and Revolutionary war turncoat Benedict “Benedict Luv Da Tories” Arnold.
* The Packers beat the Bears 27-17. The Bears rushed for only 13 yards in a pathetic effort. Other famous ineffective bears: Winnie the Pooh faceplanting while trying to get honey out of a tree, Balloo failing to file his income taxes on time, and that one one time Yogi Bear got ED.
* The Bucs staved off a late Falcons comeback to hold on with a 16-13 win. Upon scoring his first career rushing TD, Bucs QB Josh Freeman started flapping his arms like a bird. Many thought Freeman was mocking the Falcons, but he assured everyone he was paying tribute to his adopted parents: a couple of waterfowl named Tim and Janet.
* The Raiders racked up 234 yards on the ground in taking down the Jets 34-24. After feeling slighted by Jets QB Mark Sanchez eating a hot dog during a blowout against the Raiders two years ago, the Raiders coach Hue Jackson told reporters, “Now the Oakland Raiders are the ones shoving foot longs down their gullets! Hey, what’s everybody laughing at?
* The Chargers barely nipped the Chiefs, 20-17. QB Phil Rivers continues to dole out more pickles than a Vlasic salesman with another 2 INT performance. Rivers attributed his poor performance to poor preparation, lack of focus, and the fact that right before he went to bed Saturday night he watched an episode of Oz.
* The Seahawks defeated the Cardinals 13-10. Coach Ken Whisenhunt stated after the game, “Look, I could sit here and talk about my new endorsement deal with iPhone, but the bottom line is we have a locker room full of aggravated Cardinals right now. One might even call them angry birds.”
* The Steelers were challenged in Indy Sunday night and they barely escaped with a 23-20 win over the Colts. Peyton Manning’s first game in the coach’s booth proved unsuccessful, probably because Manning just pretended he was piloting the Millenium Falcon for two hours. When Colts quarterbacks coach Ron Turner pleaded with Manning to give him his headset back, Manning yelled, “Fuck you Chewie!”
Who’s Good Tonight?
The Redskins have more healthy bodies, so I like them over the Cowboys. Redskins CB De’Angelo Hall will reportedly target Cowboys QB Tony Romo’s ribs. In retaliation, Romo plans to target Hall’s lack of self esteem with a number of caustic and pointed remarks about Hall’s seemly lack of modesty, which he’s apparently very sensitive about.
That’s all for week three. Bring it right back here, next Monday and every Monday, for the Internet’s only Monday morning recap of Sunday’s NFL action.