The Monday Morning Rinse

Welcome to the Monday Morning Rinse, where we wash out the results of the NFL schedule every week like only we can. Onto Week 2:

* Getting off to their first 2-0 start since the Harding administration, the Bills came back to beat the Raiders 38-35. Ryan Fitzpatrick was again magnificent and dedicated the win to his domestic partner Patrick Fitzryan.

* The Lions opened up a case against the Chiefs, toppling them 48-3. After another impressive performance, the only obstacles  to a winning season for Detroit are another Matt Stafford injury as well asNdamukong Suh’s crippling self-doubt caused by his irrational fear of success.

* Shocking the world, the Titans beat the Ravens 26-13. Baltimore fans were not upset, as they were too busy continuing to celebrate last week’s Super Bowl victory over the Steelers.

* The Browns got their first victory, winning 27-19 over the Colts. According to reports, Peyton Manning was offering teammate Kerry Collins advice on the sideline. His advice? “Do exactly what you’ve been doing, only this time: instead of being like you, be like me.”

* The Bucs staged a late rally to beat the Vikings 24-20. Arrellious Benn scored for Tampa, offering proof that he is in fact an NFL wide receiver and not a bounty hunter from a Star Wars novel.

* Rebounding from last week’s defeat, the Saints topped the Bears 30-13.  It was Drew Brees’ first ever win versus Chicago, and afterwards he exclaimed, “I feel so great I could fight an actual bear!” In order to quell this hysteria, Sean Payton let Brees borrow his DVD copy of the Sean Penn docudrama Into the Wild.

* The Jets defeated the Jags 32-3, in a weird score. Luke McCown was pulled for Blaine Gabbert after throwing four interceptions. In an unrelated story, David Garrard was spotted outside the Meadowlands holding a sign that read “Will Provide Inconsistent QB Play for Food.”

* In a widely expected outcome, the Steelers got back on track against the Seahawks, 24-0. The two fantasy owners who were actually dumb enough to draft any Seahawks were reportedly very distraught.

* Eeking out a one point victory at home, the Redskins edged the Cardinals 22-21. Rex Grossman threw two interceptions. When asked why he committed the turnovers, Grossman bit his lip, fought back tears, and cried, “Because it’s all I know!”

 * The Packers climbed out of an early 13-0 deficit to overcome the Panthers, 30-23. A late 84 yard TD by Jordy Nelson  was the best performance by a Jordy since LeVar Burton scored three times during a Star Trek: The Next Generation cast touch football game back in ’89.

* The Cowboys needed an extra frame to take down the 49ers 27-24. This less than epic clash did not stack up to the other classic matchups in this once great rivalry. It’s like comparing the original Coca-Cola formula to the current formula. You know, if the current formula called for a teaspoon of  hobo backwash.

* The Broncos squeeked by the Bengals 24-22. Tim Tebow proved that he can truly do it all when he was inserted at wide receiver due to injuries. Although his teammates were reportedly upset when he accidently glanced the water bucket, changing its contents to wine.  

* The Texans overcame another Arian Foster injury to win 23-13 over the Dolphins. In the postgame press conference, Tony Sparano attributed Miami’s lackluster play to the team’s excitement over next Sunday’s second season premiere of HBO”s Boardwalk Empire. “We just need to focus on what’s important. And that’s following the exploits of Nucky Thompson and friends as they wheel and deal in 1920’s Atlantic City. That’s September 25 at 10 Eastern, 9 Central.” Sparano then picked up a large briefcase full of money with the letters “HBO” written on the front, tipped his cap, and bid the assembled throng of reporters, “Good day.”

* Tom Brady threw for 647 yards as the Patriots overwhelmed the Chargers 35-21. Brady’s love for his tight ends continued as Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez combined for monster days. When asked about his affinity for the position, the emotionally manipulative Brady shrugged and said, “Instead of focusing on what they’re doing, let’s focus on what the rest of my receivers AREN’T doing! They’re embarrassing me out there!” Brady’s receivers all simultaneously hung their heads like disobedient puppies and shuffled their way off to the locker room in disappointment.

* The Eagles were unable to overcome a Michael Vick concussion as they lost to the Falcons 35-31. ESPN the Magazine is rushing a “What if Mike Kafka Were Black?” cover story to presses.

Who’s Good for Monday Night?
I can’t pick against the Giants. I think they struggle, but end up taking up the Rams. I would say recently signed wide receiver Brandon Stokely will be a difference maker, but he probably doesn’t know the offense yet, it’s not 2001, and he was never even that awesome anyway.

That’s all for week two. Bring it right back here, next Monday and every Monday, for the Internet’s only Monday morning recap of Sunday’s NFL action.

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