George Lucas is releasing the Star Wars trilogy (along with Three Other Shitty Films Which Will Not Be Named) on Blu-Ray. Fans are up in arms as Lucas has made more alterations to his classic films, including having Darth Vader bellow “NOOOOO!” during the film’s emotional climax. I got my hands on an advanced copy, and Lucas has added many scenes that will surely prove to be controversial:
* Obi Wan’s exile on Tattoine is further explored, as its revealed he adopted the persona of a foul-mouthed, misogynist stand-up comic known as Ben “Dice” Kenobi.
* After escaping the Empire on Tattooine, Han and Chewie pull up to a space-stoplight and decide to drag race the Millenium Falcon against a Mazda RX-7 driven by Vin Diesel and Paul Walker in spacesuits.
* Leia’s “Help Me Obi-Wan Kenobi, You’re My Only Hope!” hologram is replaced with that video of the Star Wars Kid.
* After he strikes a deal to keep the Empire out of Cloud City for a loooong time, a number of Cloud City residents challenge the legitimacy of Lando Calrissian’s birth certificate.
* R2D2 speaks perfect English and frequently tells C-3PO to stop being such a bitch.
*Jarring product placement, as Luke’s famed “blue milk” on Tatooine is replaced with a Fanta.
* Heinously disturbing and extraneous Ewok-on-Ewok sex scene added to the Battle of Endor.
* The Emperor is given a Hitler moustache.
* Yoda’s hut is adorned with posters of Farrah Fawcett and Raquel Welch.
* The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, and Revenge of the Sith are all replaced with nine hours worth of footage of Lucas diving around in a pool full of gold coins ala Scrooge McDuck.
* Chewbacca now played by Fabio.
* The destruction of Alderaan referred to as “Space 9/11.”
* More product placement: while traipsing the frigid climate of Hoth, Luke walks past a couple of polar bears drinking Cokes.
* At the end of Return of the Jedi, Yoda, Obi-Wan, and Hayden Christiansen’s Anakin Skywalker are joined by Liam Neeson as Qui-Gon Jinn, prompting Luke to loudly ask, “Wait, who the fuck is that guy?”