* On 9/11’s birthday (I had absolutely no idea what to get it…ten year olds are impossible to shop for), the NFL kicked off its 2011 season with a bang. I would have liked the season to start off with Roger Goodell and DeMaurice Smith squaring off one more time ala Apollo and Rocky at the end of III, but I digress.
* World’s greatest quarterback Aaron Rodgers led the Packers to a 42-34 victory over the Saints Thursday night to kick this bitch off. Bright spot for New Orleans: after a kickoff return TD, Darren Sproles is a Kardashian-bang away from completely replacing Reggie Bush.
* The Ravens looked flat-out dominant as they steamrolled the Steelers, 35-7. It was the NFL’s most handsome quarterback Joe Flacco’s first win versus Pittsburgh. After the game, Baltimore coach John Harbaugh said that “the whole thing about ghosts and demons and monkeys, that stuff is not real to us. This was a football game.'” Sorry, Coach. I don’t care how many points you win by, monkeys are still a real thing.
* The Texans destroyed the Peyton Manning-less Colts 34-7. Kerry Collins is old. The injured Arian Foster did not play but was on the sideline, proving to confused fantasy players everywhere that he is in fact a real human with actual emotions and not just a stat line with legs.
* The Jaguars beat the Titans 16-14, although no proof of this exists as no one was in attendance and it wasn’t televised.
* Despite barely missing the playoffs this year, the Bucs barely lost to the Lions at home, 27-20. Despite the loss, Raheem Morris remains the best coach to ever look like that black, wheelchair-bound actor whose name I can’t recall at the moment. You know, the guy from Ed.
* According to Michael Vick, he was “lights out” in going 14 for 32 with 187 yards in a 31-13 Eagles win over the Rams. By Vick’s definition, other “lights out” performances include: Neville Chamberlain’s deal with Hitler, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and any PGA golfer shooting par.
* Daryl Mitchell! That’s the name of the wheelchair guy who looks like Raheem Morris. Daryl Mitchell.
* The 2010 AFC West champion Chiefs were destroyed by the Bills, 41-7. It was the greatest Opening Day margin of victory for a team that will probably still suck anyway.
* Honoring 9/11 the best way they knew how, the Bengals beat the Browns 27-17. It was the weekend’s second biggest margin of victory by a team that will probably still suck anyway.
* The Bears defeated Matt Ryan and the Falcons, 30-12. Even in victory the Bears continued to have protection issues, allowing doofus QB Jay Cutler to get sacked four times. Other Chicago protection issues: Roy Williams won’t let no bitch tell him to use a jimmy hat.
* The Redskins took down the Giants 28-14 in the first game of the Rex Grossman Era. The win earned Washington their first victory over New York in over three years as well as full custody of 9/11.
* Alex Smith rides yet again, as the Niners topped the Seahawks 33-17. During the postgame handshake, former Pac-1o rivals Pete Carroll and Jim Harbaugh embraced for a passionate 11 minute makeout session that many felt was long overdue.
* The Chargers squeaked by the Vikings 24-17, in a game that shouldn’t have been that close. Donovan McNabb threw for 39 yards. Rumor has it McNabb is currently scrambling to look for someone else to blame his latest bed-shitting performance on. Early candidates include Vikings coach Leslie Frazier, Washington O.C. Kyle Shanahan, and somehow, diminutive character actor Peter Dinklage. Not being considered: his own lack of ability.
* Cam Newton threw for 422 yards in his debut as the Cardinals eeked out a win over the Panthers, 28-21. Newton was gracious in defeat, encouraging all his little Newtonmaniacs out there to keep saying their prayers, eating their vitamins, and stealing other kids’ laptops.
* In the battle of the Ryan brothers, Rex Ryan’s Jets beat out the Joe Ezterhas-led Cowboys defense, 27-24. Based just on how he looks, Rob Ryan is now free to return to his more appropriate job of directing porn.
Who’s Good on Monday Night?
I’m going to go out on a limb and take the Patriots on the road over the Dolphins. Lots of Pats fans are invading Miami, so expect the crowd to have a hard time pronouncing their R’s. For the late game, I think the league’s most likable guy Jason Campbell does just enough for the Raiders to take out the Broncos. It won’t be due to bad QB play, though, so don’t expect to see a Tim Tebow appearance unless Jesus Christ throws his boy a bone and hits Kyle Orton with a third quarter lightning bolt.
That’s it for week one. Bring it right back here, next Monday and every Monday, for the Internet’s only Monday morning recap of Sunday’s NFL action.