Fish Vs. Milk

I’m at a show, talking to two other comedian friends of mine. My stomach is not feeling it tonight. If I could use a celebrity to describe the way I felt that night, it would be Elliot Gould.

My friends are worried. They ask what I ate.

“I don’t know, I had a salmon filet with some broccoli for dinner. About a cup of brown rice with it.” (Your boy is trying to turn the corner and eat a little healthier these days). “Plus I had a glass of milk.”

“Whoa.” My friend stops me. “You had fish with milk?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Don’t you know you’re not supposed to eat those two together?”

I had no idea. Apparently fish and milk are the Bloods and Crips of the food world.

And after referring to my trusty friend, the Internet, I read about an urban legend that said that having those two together can kill you. So after reading this, I assume it’s time to finalize my will (I’m donating the Don Mattingly poster to charity and my Seinfeld DVDs will be buried along with me) and check out. Peace, Planet Earth. It’s been real.

Of course I know that isn’t true. If eating fish and milk together could kill you, wouldn’t we have heard about that definitively by now? I I would have seen it pop up in an obituary somewhere – “Phil Johnson, 42, is survived by his wife. He mixed tilapia with 2%.”

It’s the only time I’ve ever heard of a drink and food combination potentially killing someone. Can you imagine a family gathered around the coffin of their patriarch, looking on forlornly as the priest waxes on about his fateful decision to mix lobster with Iced Tea? Or a doctor ending a physical by saying, “All your tests came back great, but unfortunately you’re not going to make it. Did you eat Duck with Gatorade? Because that gives you cancer of the everything.”

My stomach was upset, so maybe it’s true. Maybe fish and milk together can kill you. But what about McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish sandwiches? Don’t they have some sort of fish mixed with cheese? (Sidebar: I don’t know what kind of fish they use in the Filet-O-Fish, but I just imagine it looks sad all the time)

So is McDonald’s trying to kill people? Maybe they said, “Forget letting people get heart disease after consuming a steady diet of our garbage for years! We need something that’s going to ACT NOW. I got it – a fish of indeterminate origin mixed with a single piece of processed cheese!”

So, in summation – the McDonald’s corporation wants to kill you, and the Filet-O-Fish is its agent of murder.

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