The Vlasic Stork Passive Aggressively Tries to Get Blown

I was at Safeway recently and I came across the picture to the left. Now tell me: is there any way to read that other than that the Vlasic Stork is trying to get blown? Am I missing something here?  The only thing missing is a picture of the Stork arching his eyebrows and grabbing his junk suggestively with an aggressive look on his face.

The worst part about this is that the Vlasic Stork seems pretty old in the commercials. Not that it would be any better if it were a younger stork, but there’s something especially creepy about an aging stork trolling the aisles of a grocery store for Safeway-ass. I always thought of it as one of advertising’s charming, beloved symbols. Not anymore. Now he just seems like one of those old guys who hangs out at Hooters, shamelessly flirting with the waitresses. Can’t you see this old bird just kind of hanging around, not so subtly bragging about how all his “pickle money” paid for his yacht, all in a desperate and hopeless attempt to fuck? Then finally one day after getting his picture taken with the girls for the 50th time, he gets so drunk he propositions one of them for an HJ in the parking lot in exchange for a month’s supply of pickles.

I don’t know how this one got past the advertising department, unless it was intentional. It’s like someone said, “We’re bored, what do you say we tell all our customers to suck it?” Here’s the scary part though: the sign is an obvious double entendre, but it refers to multiple pickles. You could assume that they’re legitimately talking about pickles, but what if this means the Vlasic Stork has multiple dicks? I realize that storks nowadays don’t have that, but maybe some distant descendant of the stork in prehistoric times would skim around the ocean with like 9 bird dicks hanging out of his feathers and the people at Vlasic know this. They’re thinking, “There has to be a way we can leverage this fact – that ancient storks who lived around dinosaur times had 9 dicks – with our desire to tell our customers to blow us.” And then this sign was born.

 I’ll be honest, I’ve never even seen a bird dick before and have no idea what one looks like. I don’t even know if birds have dicks. And quite honestly, I’m afraid to Google it to find out.

There is a chance that this sign was just a mistake. After all, when you’re advertising pickles (a word with not so subtle phallic undertones) it’s kind of hard to not make some sort of sexual reference. Maybe this is the best they could come up with. If so, Id like to see the slogans they left on the cutting room floor.

Vlasic Pickles: You’ll Love to Cram These In Your Mouth!

Vlasic Pickles: How Many Pickles Can You Take in One Sitting?

Vlasic Pickles: Look, This Is A Legitimate Food And There Is Nothing Sexual About Any of These Pickles. We Swear They’re Not Alligator Cocks. Okay? That’s a Promise. Jesus…33 Years Ago One of Our Dumbass Assembly Line Guys Lets ONE Alligator Cock Make It Into a Jar, And You All STILL Won’t Let Us Live It Down. 

That last one might be onto something. Here at Vlasic, we make pickles. NOT alligator cocks.


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