Surprises in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Pt. II

The final installment in the Harry Potter franchise opened this morning at midnight. While most of the films have held true to the spirit of the books and remained faithful adaptations, they have made some changes. Here are some of the more glaring departures from the books I saw in Deathly Hallows: Part II:

  • In order to kill time, Harry and Ron spend the first 45 minutes of the film stuck in rush hour traffic.
  • Harry goes to Manhattan and buys a cup of coffee for only $1.00. Harry then looks directly at the camera and says, “Dollar cup of coffee in Manhattan – THAT sounds like the REAL magic to me!” He then steps into traffic only to be hit by a bus, killing him and ending the film.
  • Centaurs play a much more pivotal role in this one. And there’s much more centaur dick and balls as well, whether you like it or not.
  • Harry and Ron fix themselves a cup of coffee and then do that weird thing from early 90’s Folgers commercials where they take a huge sniff of the coffee and then smile like jerkoffs.
  • Snape uses his magical powers to create a new flavor of Starburst he refers to as “Severus Grape.”
  • I don’t remember anything in the book about a talking car named KIT.
  • Due to the fact that none of the other films had addressed Dumbledore’s sexuality, Michael Gambon is replaced in the role by Nathan Lane.
  • The final battle takes place not between good and evil wizards, but between wizards and Civil War reenactors.
  • During the epilogue, Harry reveals he opens up a magic abortion clinic. All he does is snap his fingers, point at the mom’s stomach, and say, “Abracadabra, that will be $500.”
  • Due to the filmmakers running out of funding before filming the final battle, the film’s climactic war is described by two guys dressed like Merlin standing in an empty room.
  • While The Dark Knight Rises teaser was expected to play before the film, no one expected Batman to make a cameo in which he kicks the shit out of Ron Weasley.
  • Rather than the book version where Voldemort is killed by his own rebounding curse,  Harry murders Voldemort in cold blood by breaking both his arms and legs, headbutting him into a bloody pulp, and then saying, “You can take this one to the bank…the BLOOD bank” before snapping his neck and throwing him off the top of the Statue of Liberty. Oh yeah, and for some reason, Hogwarts is in New York City.

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