I Would Rather…

Friends With Benefits, starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, opens July 22. It has essentially the same plot as No Strings Attached, which came out in January. Back when that one came out, my brother Greg and I traded scenarios we would rather experience than watching that film. We decided to do the same for Friends With Benefits. Here are the activities we would rather do than see this feature film:

* Would rather let grizzled character actor Ian McShane swirl my Coke around in his mouth before I drank it.
* Would rather swan dive, from a 30 foot tall diving board, into a swimming pool full of burned Indian food.
* Would rather get a rim job from King Kong Bundy.
* Would rather eat Thanksgiving dinner off Peter Falk…now.
* Would rather go to the movies and replace the artificial popcorn flavoring with hand sanitizer, then eat a tub’s worth.
* Would rather walk up to Whitey Bulger and his friends, poke him in the chest hard, then say, “So…which one of you Mick turds wants to get slapped around? I’d shove a potato up your stupid Irish asses, but you’d probably enjoy it!”
* Would rather watch my daugher marry a guy I’m not sure about yet while an effeminate Martin Short plans the entire wedding.
* Would rather be audited by the IRS, and the agent they send to audit me is some guy I cut off in traffic years ago who still harbors ill will towards me for cutting him off.
* Would rather go go back in time and try to explain the concept of Facebook to Hitler.
* Would rather have a threeway with the Mythbusters.
* Would rather go out for a nice dinner with Mila Kunis, and even though it all seems to go well and she really seemed to enjoy our witty banter, never get a call back from her again.
* Would rather eat a cheeseburger topped with Burt Reynolds’ toupee.
* Would rather parachute to the bottom of the Grand Canyon with Andy Dick strapped to my back.
* Would rather spend the Fourth of July weekend in Iran dressed like Lex Luger circa 1993.
* Would rather watch No Strings Attached.

Friends With Benefits opens July 22. Check your local listings, call up your worst enemy, and offer to take him or her. Your treat.


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