Don’t Mess With Me Satan, I Belong to Jesus

I was at the DMV recently, and on an old lady’s cube she had this taped to her wall:

So you’re saying that in your stand in the war against sin, the battle against all that is unholy, that your champion is…an animated canary with a furrowed brow? You have to come a little harder than that don’t you?

Let’s say Satan sends one of his demons to recruit you. It’s like a pig faced gremlin with tentacles for arms and a scorpion body. Also he’s holding some kind of thorny staff as a weapon. He stops by your desk to tempt you to come over to the dark side, and you need to make him cower in fear.  So he’s supposed to run away when he sees…an androgynous bird trying to mean mug? He’ll laugh and continue with his pitch like nothing happened. If a demon or devil worshipper got in my face and I had to scare them away with one symbol, I’d go with either Batman, Obi-Wan, or Obi-Wan dressed like Batman holding a pair of nunchakus. You know what I wouldn’t go with? Zazu from The Lion King with a mildly perturbed look on his face.

Furthermore, I’d like to hear how Satan “messes” with anyone. Based on what I’m assuming the Bible says, Satan tries to corrupt souls by convincing them to sin. The way I see it, he’s just offering you a good time in exchange for your soul and an eternity of damnation. There’s no “messing” involved. What do you expect Satan to do, set a burning flag of dogshit on your doorstep with a note that says, “You should do bad stuff” taped to it? Or maybe he’ll prank call your parents at 3 AM while getting drunk with his pals,  Adolf Hitler and Ted Kennedy. The point is the character of Satan doesn’t mess with anyone because he doesn’t have to. Satan’s sales pitch wouldn’t involve pranks, it would involve him saying, “You can’t get any hookers or blow at church.”

And now to the true elephant in the room: the fact that if Tweety and Satan did get into a fight, Satan would absolutely fuck him up. Would this even be a contest? The Prince of Darkness versus a moderately clever canary. Granted, its a canary with a level of intellect not seen before as evidenced by his ability to talk, but that won’t help him in a streetfight. Maybe Tweety lasts a few minutes if he gets a few cheap pecks in, but his whole fight strategy is going to be duck and fly. Provided this is in some sort of closed structure so that Tweety can’t fly much farther than a few feet away, you have to assume Satan’s going to tear him up. I predict by three minutes in Satan’s already broken Tweety’s neck and has fed him to Cereberus.

So in closing, lady who works at the DMV: your plan to fend off Satan and all his followers with a picture of a little ass bird is horseshit.


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