I have a beard. A goatee now, actually. And there’s a little grey in there. I’m fine with that, because I’m not a woman. However, there’s a whole industry dedicated to preventing men from going grey. Just for Men hair gel offers hair dye so guys with silver streaks can appear to be 34 year old douchebags instead of being 48 year old douchebags. They even have two New York sports legends – Keith Hernandez and Clyde Frazier – appear in their commercials. The basic plot of each one is that some old guy is trying to get laid, and the girl fakes on him because he’s got grey hair. So two sports announcers, Keith and Clyde, loudly proclaim that the guy can’t get laid until he colors his hair as if this attempt at getting laid is a sporting event. He dyes his hair, he (presumably) gets laid, and Keith and Clyde celebrate that some stranger is about to beat dem guts.
I have two problems with this set-up:
Women Don’t Care About Grey Hairs
Well, I’m sure some do. I’ve just never heard any comment on it. But if you’ve got your shit together, a girl isn’t going to flake on you due to a couple of silver streaks in your scalp. Most likely you messed something else up leading up to that. Disagree? George Clooney. That distinguished looking guy from Mad Men. Leslie Nielsen. Okay, that last one was bad, but you get my point.
Simply put: women don’t care about grey hairs because they aren’t men. The Just For Men Gel people are but simple hucksters, preying on insecure older losers who want to color their hair to mask some other prevailing flaw. Unfortunately, they don’t make a hair dye that makes you interesting. Sorry Leslie Nielsen, you’re out of luck. Go get a convertible. If you’re a black guy or Michael Chiklis, shave your head. Which brings me to my next point…
Women Aren’t Going to Sleep with You While Two Sports Announcers Openly Celebrate Your Success
Do Clyde and Keith just walk around to bars and coffee shops, looking for grey-haired guys? “Hey man, you trying to get laid? Want to color your beard? Don’t worry about why I have a headset and a microphone. Do you want to color your beard? No? Okay, onto the next guy. Hey, Kenny Rogers…you trying to get some later?” I imagine it continues like that, ad infinitum.
But what about when they’ve been successful? Mr. Greybead is about to score with Miss Hottie. He’s changed up his hair and she loves it. Right before he goes in for the close….he’s got two creepy old guys announcing everything that’s happening. I’ve never had it happen, but it doesn’t sound conducive to banging. Also, how long do they hang out there? Do they wait for them to start making out, then say “Okay pal, looks like our work is done here.” Or do they kind of awkwardly linger in the room, while the guy waits for them to get the hint that they’re no longer needed? Then when he hears a belt unbuckle, he loses patience and snaps on them. After that do they go hide in a closet or something? Then they go undetected until the sex starts up and Clyde pipes up with, “Don’t forget to wear a condom bro.”
I know I’d be uncomfortable with two New York sports legends hovering over me calling the action. Unless it was Don Mattingly and Allan Houston. That would be cool. But not two awkward chodes with a bad dye job.