Charlie Sheen’s Violent Torpedo of Truth Tour kicked off Saturday night to terrible reviews. According to reports, the show is a convoluted mess that has led to booing and mass walkouts. With his career hanging in the balance, Sheen said he plans to reboot the show to fix all the glitches. Here are some of the improvements he plans to make:
* The only thing better than Pagliacci? Pagliacci performed by a bunch of coke whores.
* A powerpoint presentation with pictures from Tom Berenger’s family vacation to Cancun in 2001.
* New revelation: the Yiddish name “Chaim Levine,” loosely translated to English, means “pandering to the absolute lowest common denominator of society.”
* Major League co-star Wesley Snipes shows up with some helpful tips for Charlie on how to avoid prison rape.
* In a desperate attempt to prove he can be as cool as his brother, Emilio Estevez attempts to overdose on Robitussin.
* In a new question and answer session, Sheen reveals that while partying with pornstars is fun, his dream is to lead a quiet, respectable life simultaneously married to a couple of decent, down to earth strippers.
* Halfway through the show, Sheen has an “Ah Ha!” moment when someone informs him he is allowed to hire writers.
* Sheen’s The Rookie co-star Clint Eastwood makes a ten minute cameo appearance in a new segment referred to as “Grimacin’ With Clint.”
* Sheen explains his long held theory over those truly responsible for 9/11: the writers of Major League II.
* In honor of all those lost in the Japanese earthquake and tsunami, Sheen holds a respectful moment of silence. It lasts for 53 minutes.
* After about an hour of nothing really working, Sheen will throw up his hands and say, “Fuck it, you guys just want to watch me do some blow?”
* After failing to come up with any new buzzwords or catchphrases, Sheen will resort to stealing from others. An example: “They may try to take away my show, but I’ll tell them right now that knowing is half the battle. I am 100% committed to being koo-koo for Cocoa Puffs, and check this, Mr. Kotter: I got a note.”