First He Shanked Inmates, Now He Cleans Dinner Plates

There is this movie coming out. It’s called The Chaperone, and it’s about an ex-convict who takes his kids on a field trip. The star is Triple H. And it’s a family comedy. All those things I said are true, and are actually going to happen. You’re not dreaming; grab hold of your totem. Look:

It’s like one of the Funny People fake movie posters. My Best Friend is a Robot.

First of all: why would anyone let an ex-con chaperone a field trip? This isn’t even a school issue, I pin this one on the state. You’re telling me he can’t vote, but he can hang out with 7 year olds off school grounds? This isn’t a comical scenario. It’s a glaring breakdown at many levels of authority within the school district. How do the other parents even rationalize letting their kids around a felon? He was in for breaking and entering, not like he murdered anybody…oh, he did kill a guy at Rikers? Well…everyone knows you have to make somebody your bitch on the first day. Anyway, enjoy your trip sweetie!

If you’re superintendant of schools, how long does it take you to fire the principal and teacher? A day? An hour? Especially in today’s economy. If you’re trying to cut your budget, who goes first: the 100 year old algebra teacher, or the lady who let the rapist on the bus?

Then there’s the idea of opening a movie with Triple H. Apparently, the target demographic here is males who watched wrestling ten years ago. Next up: Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married Three? with Booker T and Farooq as a gay couple. Of course, I’m all about wrestlers starring in their own movies if the material is good. I mean, who can forget classic films like Suburban Commando, See No Evil, The Tooth Fairy, 12 Rounds, and The Condemned? Those definitely weren’t massive piles of shit.

Finally, the tagline is Her dad did time…now he wants quality time. That’s not even clever. They rhymed time with time, which means they went to the P. Diddy School of Rhyme Writing. Would it take that long to come up with a clever tag line that ties the prison motif in with the transition to family life? How about this: Her Dad was in the Clink…Now It’s Time to Scrub the Sink. That took me five seconds. Want another? Her Dad Suffered an Anal Assault…Now He Seasons Home-Cooked Meals with Sea Salt.

Unless this movie ends with a drawn-out standoff with the authorities, in which Triple H holds multiple children hostage until he’s lit up in a hail of gunfire, I’ll pass. I’m looking forward to next year’s WWE entry into the world of film: The King’s Speech 2, starring Stone Cold Steve Austin as the King of England with Macho Man as his dialect coach.

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