Desperate for an original angle on an oft-repeated refrain, countless sportswriters are taking to their papers/websites to boldly proclaim that with his brilliant passing performance in Super Bowl XV, the monkey is off Aaron Rodgers’ back. Not sure if that monkey is Brett Favre, the playoff loss in Arizona, or the comparisons to Steve Young that no one was really making, but it’s gone.
Good for him. What no one seems to be asking, though, is this: what about the monkey itself? What is he supposed to do?
Rodgers may have one a championship, which is good for him. But doesn’t that mean there is now one more homeless monkey? We’ve got a destitute monkey wandering around North Texas with no place to go. Dallas-Forth Worth was freezing this week. So thanks, Aaron Rodgers. Thanks to your amazing passing performance, now one monkey will be wandering the cold streets wearing, like, 8 smelly coats he found on the side of the road while he begs for change. No one will give it to him either, because he’ll probably use it to by booze anyway.
Granted, based on Rodgers’ play, the monkey should have been prepared for this. The Packers have been on a roll since before the playoffs started. But how can you expect a monkey to think about a savings account, or getting an apartment, or lining up a decent job? He’s a monkey. He’s too busy thinking about either playing a tiny organ, hurling his feces, or furiously masturbating to a picture of a banana. You know, whatever it is that monkeys usually do. I don’t know what kind of relationship Aaron Rodgers had with this monkey. Maybe it was friendship, although I’m guessing it was strictly landlord-tenant. But he owes it to this metaphorical primate to at least give him 60 days notice before throwing him into the street.
Not since Michael Jackson’s death has this observer seen a more flagrant case of monkey neglect.
Some of you might read this and say, “This is ridiculous! The Golden Voiced Bum, Ted Williams is going to be a billionaire based on his talent.” Let me first state that any argument dependent on the fact that a monkey has talent will not hold up. But let’s say for a second that this monkey has some kind of bankable skill he can market. Let’s say he’s really good at doing card tricks. Who is to say that the same demons that put him on the street won’t consume him again? I’d hate to see him called on stage during the next season of “America’s Got Talent,” only for them to cut to his dressing room to find him doing crystal meth with a bunch of monkey hookers. All of which could have been avoided if Aaron Rodgers sucked in the Super Bowl.
Take heed, quarterbacks who are expected to win Super Bowls by people in the media: winning that championship might feed your bank account and your ego. But it will prey on your soul. Not to mention that it will force monkeys to stand at intersections waving cardboard signs around asking for money, making everyone in their cars awkwardly avoid eye contact.