What’s the Deal With the Oscar Nominees?

Oscar nominations came out this morning. Most of the categories are tired, boring, and not truly representative of what was best in film this year. If your boy was running the Academy, here are the categories I would go with, along with who would win.

BEST SCENE
That part in The Town when Affleck goes up to Renner and says, ”I need your help. I can’t tell you what it is, you can never ask me about it later, and we’re gonna hurt some people,” and Renner says, “Whose car we taking?” Runner-up is that scene where Affleck shoots the Florist in the balls. Also nominated: The A-Team, when they fly the tank.

BEST DICAPRIO PERFORMANCE
Inception beats out Shutter Island. It’s ridiculous that he’s never won Best Actor. If I ever win the lottery, I’m going to arrange a deal between DiCaprio and TBS for him to do commercials for Meet the Browns. It will just be him sitting in a lounge, sipping a martini while a supermodel hangs off his arm. Then he’ll look directly at the camera and say, “Tune into Meet the Browns on TBS every Monday at 10. Watching it is my favorite thing to do, right up there with wearing pajamas that have feet. And masturbating.”

Then he’ll take another sip of the martini, look back at the camera and say, “TBS. Very funny.”

BEST PICTURE THAT MADE ME WISH I DROPPED ACID
Tron Legacy. The ideal conditions for watching it are probably in IMAX 3D, on acid, with the double rainbow guy sitting next to you.

MOST MEMORABLE LINE FROM A TRAILER
De Niro from Fockers III saying, “Double dose.” Narrowly beats out “RELEASE THE KRAKEN” from Taken II.

BEST ASS WHOOPING OF A BUNCH OF LITTLE KIDS
Jackie Chan in the Karate Kid remake. One of the best parts of the original was when Miyagi pwned everyone in Cobra Kai, even though they were twice his size. In this one? He was like a Chinese Kramer.

BEST MANGLED TITLE
Before Hot Tub Time Machine came out, my friend Andrew said to me, “I want to see that one comedy that’s coming out…what’s that called? Jacuzzi Time Warp?”

BEST GUY TRYING TO LOOK LIKE A BLACK GREEK GOD
That would be T-Pain in Lottery Ticket.  What was his character’s name, Poseidon from Southeast?

BEST GIANT SCORPION FIGHT
In a narrow victory over Clash of the Titans, this one goes to a deleted scene from Extraordinary Measures where in order to cure the kid’s disease, Harrison Ford has to don his trademark fedora and leather jacket to take on a mystical scorpion created by Merlin himself during the Middle Ages. Of course, I just assume that all Harrison Ford movies nowadays should end up having him become Indiana Jones.

BEST RESCUE SCENE
Morning Glory, in the part where Indiana is trying to save the Nazi bitch, but she’s way too focused on getting the grail, so she falls into the crevasse. Then when Indy tries to get it, his Dad gets all wistful and says, “In-gee-ana…..let it goh.”

Tune into the Academy Awards February 27, 2011. If Inception doesn’t win Best Picture, I’m going on a hunger strike.

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