No Strings Attached opened this past weekend to middling reviews (52% negative on Rotten Tomatoes). My brother Greg texted me on Friday night while I was at a show to let me know how little he’d like to see the movie. We then brainstormed on a number of activities we would rather do than see it:
- Would rather have someone crush our balls with a rubber mallet, then shove them up our respective asses.
- Would rather have a threeway with the parents from Everybody Loves Raymond.
- Would rather dive into a pool filled with clones of the girl from Precious.
- Would rather go up to Ray Lewis and say, “Hey murderer! Surprised a little bitch like you would have the stones to kill anybody!” and then just wait to see what happens.
- Would rather buy a Frank Lucas fur coat, then go stand in the middle of Southeast D.C. at 2 A.M. while counting all my cash which I withdrew from my bank account earlier in the day.
- Would rather find an eagle’s nest, break all the eggs, then just wait for the mom eagle to come back.
- Would rather fight Kimbo Slice after he ate a steak laced with PCP.
- Would rather act out the final scene of The A-Team with a group of hospice patients.
- Would rather force ourselves to look at the results of a Google Image Search for “mung.”
- Would rather do a frog splash onto a bed of hypodermic needles collected from the dumpsters of D.C.
- Would rather let Ted Williams, the Golden-Voiced Bum, touch all our food for a week.
No Strings Attached is rated R for sexual content and adult language. Check your local listings to see when it’s playing at a theater near you so you know when to stay away.