Hello, everyone. My name is Robert DeNiro. You may remember me from Godfather Part II, Goodfellas, Taxi Driver, Casino, Jackie Brown, Heat, Raging Bull, or The Untouchables. But most of you probably know me as Jack Byrnes, the man who has made it painfully obvious that he does not quite care for Ben Stiller.
Some people like to make their point in one film’s time. Not me. Whenever someone brings up a classic film – Citizen Kane, Shawshank Redemption – I tell people, “You you know what would make them really great? Two additional films that follow the same plot structure and hammer the same points into your brain while only adding a few characters as window dressing. Now read this script for Showtime 2. I wrote it last night.”
Some people would express their obvious hatred for someone before they engage in a series of passive aggressive snipefests all while grimacing disapprovingly at the subject of their distaste. But everyone knows that you can only really understand something by bludgeoning that point into your brain three times. An example: the other day I bought a copy of USA Today and read a story about Two and a Half Men. Then I made the cashier read it to me. Then I pulled out my cellphone and texted the entire story to my agent, over the course of about 400 texts.
What’s the only thing better than a hot fudge sundae? How about three hot fudge sundaes…eaten while you grimace disapprovingly at Ben Stiller as he awkwardly fumbles through a family dinner.
Heat was a great film. But after filming wrapped, I felt more needed to be said. So I call up Michael Mann and say, “I haven’t received the scripts for Heat 2 or Heat 3 yet. What gives?” Then he says to me, “Bobby, it’s 4 in the morning. What are you doing on my lawn?” So I then says to Michael, I says, “What if, instead of ending the series, we have a second film where Pacino continues to hunt bank robbers? And my guy comes back from the dead and keeps robbing banks and continues to disapprovingly grimace at Pacino? And Pacino tries really hard to win his approval, but by doing so he ends up bungling it up even more? Then we make a third movie where the same thing happens, only this time Pacino has kids?” I would have said more, but local authorities showed up around that time. As they loaded me into the paddy wagon, I made sure to grimace disapprovingly.
So remember: once is okay, but thrice is nice. Tucking in your kid? Tell him three bed time stories. Enjoying a cup of coffee? Buy two more cups and try to pour them all in your mouth at once. And if you’re paying a bill at a restaurant, leave $3, regardless of the total. Then as you walk out, grimace disapprovingly at the waiter or watiress and say, “I’ve got my eye on you, Focker.” If they call you a cheapskate, just furrow your brow and say, “Double dose.”