Next up is the Ghost of Christmas Present. He’s a big a big burly Muppet with a beard who leads Scrooge into a drawn out song and dance number in the middle of a public square. A bunch of people dance with them, which is weird since the rules of the Christmas Carol universe dictate that regular people can’t see Scrooge or the spirits. That led me to believe they were ghosts, which would be kind of weirder. They should have had a scene were the spirit tells Scrooge, “Pay these dancers no mind, they’re all apparitions on their way to Hell! Why, that guy doing the Cabbage Patch fucked a bunch of people out of their money in a Ponzi scheme!”
He then brings Scrooge to Bob Cratchit’s house to observe their Christmas dinner. Bob’s wife is played by Miss Piggy. All the Cratchit kids are either a frog or a pig. Shouldn’t they have been some kind of weird frog-pig hybrid? Either Kermit and Piggy adopted, or they’ve got some kind of bizarre, interspecies Brady Bunch arrangement going on. Anyway, Scrooge meets Tiny Tim, who’s a little frog with a crutch. He also gets to see his nephew verbally pwn his name at a Christmas party. There’s another frog Muppet in this scene that’s so hideous, you think to yourself, “Now there is the spawn of two entirely different species.”
The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come is next. He takes Scrooge to see a bunch of well-dressed pigs talking trash about him. Usually in adaptations of this story, Scrooge starts to realize what a dick he is, but why would a human care what a bunch of random animals thought about him? A pig that wears a suit is still a pig. “I’m going to swing by the tailor to get my alterations right after I roll around in this pile of shit real quick.”
The Ghost then shows us how Tiny Tim and Scrooge kicked it, but we miss out on the money shot of seeing Scrooge engulfed in flames. Guess they didn’t think the kids would like seeing Michael Caine get singed. Scrooge wakes up and leads another happy dance number through the streets of London. One question I have: if Scrooge was up all night flying around his personal time-space continuum, don’t you think he’d be a little more sluggish the next morning? He’s up picking up a goose, buying presents, and crashing the Cratchit Christmas. No way he’d be that energetic. I guarantee that by 10:45 on Christmas morn he’d be slumped over in Bob’s favorite recliner snapping at Tiny Tim to get Uncle Ebenezer one of those Five Hour Energy drinks.
Of course, Scrooge gives his boy Bob a big raise and there’s a happy ending. Though before he drops the good news, Miss Piggy basically bitches him out. This is one instance where I would have liked to see the old Scrooge make a comeback, since I always thought Miss Piggy was a massive bitch. In fact, you know what the best possible ending for a Muppet Christmas Carol would have been? Scrooge convincing Bob that he doesn’t need to be with such a conniving shrew and taking him (along with Tiny Tim, bouncing on his shoulder) out to a pre-Victorian London skin bar. Then they could all share a good laugh as Fozziwig and the Ghost of Christmas Present eat figgy pudding off a stripper’s butt while something by Ludacris blares over the loudspeakers.
Merry Christmas everyone!