Now it’s time for another installment (the 2010 Christmas Edition) of my award-winning series, But Could He Beat Chewbacca? A running series in which I speculate on how various competitors would do in a battle against the greatest movie character of all time, Chewbacca:
AVOIDING CHARITABLE DONATIONS
STRENGTHS: This time of year, it seems like everyone’s hitting you up to give away your hard earned cash, so not giving anything to anyone can be difficult.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: It appears at first glance that Chewie has fallen prey to the charity bug, as he sets up a “Toys for Hutts” drive at his house. However, he ends up selling all the toys to desperate parents for double the retail value and uses the cash to set up a viral website called “Jawafights,” where you can find videos of desperate street Jawas brawling each other for pocket change.
FRUSTRATED HOLIDAY TRAVELERS
STRENGTHS: The holidays are a stressful time which can sometimes bring out the worst in people.
BUT COULD THEY BEAT CHEWBACCA?: After a TIE fighter cuts off the Milennium Falcon, Chewie and Han calmly approach the guy at a traffic stop and ask him to be a little more careful next time. They also take his license plate number and after doing a little research, drain his bank account, sleep with his wife, and make crank calls in his name to his supervisor at the Empire, getting him fired.
GETTING THAT DOLL HIS KID WANTED
STRENGTHS: As it gets closer to Christmas Day, popular toys are harder to find in stores.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: In the parking lot of Space-Target, Chewbacca tries to negotiate with his nemesis Greedo over a Wampa doll for his son Lumpy.
“It’s the last one in the store, bro,” says Chewbacca, puffing on a Newport. “Look,” he says, blowing a plume of smoke directly into Greedo’s face, “Suppose I gave you a little something extra for your trouble.”
“Well um, I don’t know…I guess…I think we could come to some sort of agreement, if the price is right.”
“Good, here you go.” Chewie shoves an envelope into Greedo’s hand, grabs the doll, and runs away. Greedo opens the envelope to reveal no money and a small note that just says “U R GAY.”
HARRY AND MARV FROM HOME ALONE
STRENGTHS: Even though they may appear to be bumbling dolts, they are also hardened, dangerous criminals.
BUT COULD THEY BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewbacca sets up a series of traps that foil the Wet Bandits’ plot to rob his house while Han is away. Then, once they are convicted and sentenced to 25 years in prison, he pays a couple of gang members to shiv them in the yard.
BAKING THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS PIE
STRENGTHS: With so many varieties of pies out there, picking the perfect one is damn near impossible.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: All Chewie’s friends are gathered in his living room for the unveiling of his new Christmast pie: Han, Leia, Luke, Lando, R2, and the drunken Jawa that won Chewie’s first ever Ultimate Jawafighting Championship tournament.
“It smells great, pal,” says Han.
“I hope you like it,” Chewie shouts as he bursts through the door from the kitchen. Once they look at Chewie’s baking sheet, however, the group recoils in horror: on it is a bunch of crushed up Oreo’s covered in sour milk, a dead bird, some dead Poinsettia leaves, a piece of raw chicken, a pine cone, a lump of cranberry sauce still in the shape of the can it came in, and a Christmas wreath. Everyone is speechless.
“Well?” says Chewie, his hands clasped together in anticipation. “Who wants a slice?”
“It..looks…great…” stammers Han, at a loss for words.
“I’m pretty sure Poinsettia is poison,” says Luke.
“I think that was my pet bird,” utters Lando under his breath.
“AH-TEE-HEE,” yells the drunken and confused Jawa, who humps Chewie’s ottoman mistakenly thinking it is an overweight female Jawa.
THROWING LANDO A SPACE-KWANZAA PARTY
STRENGTHS: This might be tough since no one really knows anything about Kwanzaa, much less Space-Kwanzaa.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: After an exhaustive search of Google and Wikipedia, the boys work with the Cloud City staff to deck the halls with kinora lights. All the men are adorned with dashikis, while the women wear kaftans. As Lando enters the room, everyone yells, “SURPRISE!” as Luke slips a kufi on Lando’s head.
“A joyous Kwanzaa to you, my proud black brother!” beams Chewie.
“What the hell is Kwanzaa?” yells Lando with a bemused look on his face. “I thought we were having a Christmas party, I even brought a grab bag gift for…” Lando trails off and looks around the room, confused. “Why the fuck is Wedge dressed like Nelson Mandela?”