Ruining Rudolph with Logistical Questions

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is one of my favorite Christmas specials. It has a singing snowman with a giant stop watch, reindeer bigots, and a toothless snow monster getting whipped by a fat bearded guy. On with the logistical ruining!

* Santa  scolds Donner  at one point  for initially being pissed at Rudolph. But earlier, when Rudolph is exposed as a red-nose, Santa tells Donner how disappointed he is in him for hiding the nose. Which is it Santa? Can’t have it both ways. Basically, Santa jumped on the Rudolph bandwagon when it was convenient. He was like the Abraham Lincoln of the North Pole. Oh, by the way, Lincoln initially opposed abolitionism. You know what, this was a long way for a reference to an obscure Lincoln platform from early in his presidency. Man…how can I save this one? Oh, I know: where were the singing Snowman’s pants?

* Yukon Cornelius seems like the kind of guy who in real life would try to get a handy at a rest stop from man, woman, or beast.

* What was the deal with the perma-frown attached to the face of Hermie’s boss? I wouldn’t be surprised to hear him say, “You misunderstand – I don’t care if you’re a dentist, I just had a stroke four years ago. I’m fine with your career choice, I’m just mad I can’t eat solid foods. I dribble more than Chris Paul.” That last joke was written by Rick Reilly.

* The North Pole was chock full of dick heads, wasn’t it? Donner hates his son. Santa tells the Elves they need to work on their singing. The Reindeer coach loses it when Rudolph’s nose breaks out of its protective shell. Based on the sheer volume of assholery Hermie and Rudolph encountered on a daily basis, I wouldn’t have been shocked if one of them said to the other, “Screw it dude, you wanna just pull a Columbine?”

* Why was Mrs. Claus such a bitch? “Eat Santa…EAT!”  You really want to save Christmas, how about you let Santa holler at a vegetable?

* So they can make any kind of toy, but they can’t make headlights for Santa’s sleigh? And the Professor can make a radio out of a coconut, but he can’t fix a hole in the damn boat?

* Lost in this whole cheery holiday tale is that Rudolph’s dad was one hateful, intolerant son of a bitch. It’s like having a red nose was the equivalent of being gay in the reindeer world. Rest assured that it gets better, Rudolph. It gets better.

* I don’t understand the Singing Snowman’s beard and moustache. It’s not real hair, it’s just more snow fashioned into a moustache. Why would he go to the trouble?  If he wants a  real beard and moustache, why not just get fake ones using real hair?

* If they ever do a remake of this, I will pay the creators $100 to have one of the misfit toys wear a leg brace and walk around with an awkward gait like one of the prawns from District 9.

* How disappointed were the kids who ended up getting the Misfit Toys? You know how horrified a seven year old would be if he opened up his stocking to reveal a bird-fish, gasping for breath and begging for someone to put him out of his misery?

* If Rudolph’s girlfriend hadn’t had a bow on, would he have realized she was a girl? Or maybe she was a dude and just wore a bow to convince everyone else otherwise? Can’t you imagine Rudolph sitting around in a dimly lit hotel room, vomiting after he realized the costly Crying Game mistake he made? And all the while, his pal PacMan sits in the corner and nods knowingly as if to say, “I’ve been there, brother.”


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