Hello everyone! I’m the Coca-Cola Polar Bear. As one of the cuddliest, most adorable holiday characters in the history of advertising, I know a thing or two about the holidays. I also realize they can be stressful and frustrating, so I’ve decided to chime in with a few of my patented holiday stressbusters.
For example, one problem I sometimes have: Not being able to afford nice ornaments. So what do I do? I design snowflakes out of construction paper and make popcorn garland! It’s a creative yet festive solution to a common problem.
Another issue can be picking up your in-laws at the airport. No one likes to battle the horde of holiday travelers. What’s the solution? Why, simply maul your way through the terrified crowds of horrified commuters until you reach your desired terminal. The crowds can be intimidating, but nothing cuts through a mob of people like razor sharp bear claws attached to a bloodthirsty killing machine disguised as a cuddly pet.
Nothing is quite as comforting at the holiday dinner table as a plump turkey with all the trimmings. But what if you’re not sure how to cook a turkey? Before you go on Googling recipes and cooking tips, don’t fret – just swim out to sea, snap the necks of 15 seals and a baby whale, and bring enough seal and whale meat back to shore to feed your mate and offspring. Eat up well, but leave room for dessert! I suggest a gorgeous Boston Creme Pie with whip cream atop it.
Another challenge is getting the right gift. Playing Santa can be challenging, especially when you have children. Afraid you haven’t bought the right toys for the kiddies? While some people prefer to shop online, your best bet is to break into the stock room at Toys R Us, stand up to your full height of 8 foot 11 and swipe wildly at store employees until they sprint away in fear so you can steal whatever merchandise your bear heart desires. Then make sure to double bag all your Christmas treasures, head home, and warm up with some hot cocoa!
What happens if on Christmas Eve, the family wants to go caroling, but you forget the words to all your favorite Christmas songs? Easy. When you forget the words, just let out a godawful roar to remind everyone what a terrible beast you truly are, filling them with the fear of God as well as the fear to ridicule you for forgetting the words. Then Google the lyrics when you get home. Ya know…for next time!
Finally, everyone knows that there’s nothing more stressful than hosting a big holiday get together on Christmas morn. You’ve got to cook, clean, and entertain all at once. It’s easy to panic when friends, family, neighbors and others start showing up. But it’s much easier to simply destroy your living room in a fit of rage, savagely roaring at the top of your bear lungs while dragging a caribou carcass around your living room hitting people in the face with it to display your dominance, all while your polar bear friends beat off to pictures of a lady polar bear holding a delicious arctic trout.
Hope this helps. I leave you with this: as Tiny Tim used to say, “God Bless us, everyone. And if he doesn’t, I’ll pick him up and tear him limb from limb like a rag doll, because I am king of the forest.” All of that is a direct quote from Dickens, and if you don’t believe me I will eat you and your family.