The highlight of last weekend’s Comic-Con, a yearly gathering of virgins dressed up like Aquaman and Harry Potter, was the assembly of the full line-up for Marvel’s Avengers, slated for release in 2012. I was able to get my hands on a copy of the script’s rough draft, and there are a few surprises within:
* In a scene described as a “Benny Hill-like chase sequence,” Captain America travels to Arizona and spends several pages comically running around after illegal immigrants.
* To begin the film, the Avengers argue about which Baldwin each one would be.
* Due to the contentious relationship between the two, neither Captain America or Iron Man is declared the leader. Instead, the team extends the honor to Popeye.
* Characters frequently and openly refer to Batman.
* Due to the fact that Sony owns the film rights to Spiderman until 2017, a character lazily described as “Arachnid-Dude,” makes his debut. The character is described thusly: “A sarcastic yet vulnerable teenager. Physically resembles Tobey MacGuire. Makes out with Kirstin Dunst and his Aunt May is a real nag. Did we say Aunt May? We meant Aunt…Cr..ay. Aunt Cray. Yes, that is the ticket.”
* Poorly conceived and executed subplot featuring an Ant-Man/Christ parallel.
* Scarlett Johanssen’s character is not called the Black Widow as she usually referred to in the comics. Here she’s called Trampy McHooterstown.
* Hawkeye, while usually appearing as an archer in a purple costume, here is described as being a wisecracking Korean War era Army surgeon.
* The plot revolves around the Green Goblin kidnapping Christopher Nolan and forcing him to give a detailed explanation of what the hell happened to DiCaprio at the end of Inception.
* When asked if he thought that Cyclops and Professor Xavier deserved their respective fates in the X3, Nick Fury responds: “YES THEY DESERVE TO DIE, AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!” He went on to state, “YOU WANT MY BLOOD? TAKE MY BLOOD. GET ME SABEAN.”