Study Links Declining Bee Population to Cell Phone Use

According to a new report, cell phone radiation may be contributing to the decline in world’s bee population. Here to comment with a guest blog is beloved children’s book character, Winnie the Pooh:

Oh bother. It appears that my favorite summer treat may be in danger of disappearing. I don’t know what I would possibly do without my honey. And as you know, without my forest friend the honeybee, I will be forever deprived of my most treasured afternoon snack. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to not be able to stick my paw into a gooey jar of the world’s most delicious treat. I asked my friend Piglet about it, and we talked about what possibly could be done about this troubling quandary.

We came to this conclusion: humans, stop using cell phones, or I will eat absolutely every person I see.

That’s right. I may be a shy and bashful woodland creature, but I did not stutter. If the usage of all cell phones is not halted immediately, I will unleash the beast inside me that has been aching to get out for as long as I can remember. I’m not playing. I’ll rip off my red t-shirt, find the nearest camping ground, and start sucking down tourists like they were animal crackers. Men, women, children. It don’t matter. I’ll make the Hundred Acre Wood look like the beaches of Normandy. 

Think I”m playing? That’s fine. I don’t mind having a couple of lumberjacks for dinner just to prove my point. My favorite sandwich is Paul Bunyan on rye.

Many have asked how I’ve been able to quell the bloodlust that lives inside of each and every bear. For years I’ve been ridiculed within the bear community for my easygoing attitude and affable nature. Let me tell you my secret: honey. Something about it soothes me and allows me to become a functioning member of our peaceful forest society along with an owl, rabbit, pig, gopher, and tiger. Not to mention a kangaroo and her bastard joey. Getting my daily fix of honey takes the edge off and lets me see clearly. You take that away?  I’m going Into the Wild on all your asses.

I know what you’re thinking: but isn’t your very best friend Christopher Robin, a human boy? To that I say: absolutely. Christopher Robin is my boy, and I know he’ll always have my back no matter what. Christopher Robin gave Winnie the Pooh a home when no one else believed in Winnie the Pooh. But if this cell phone radiation thing keeps up, I’ll eat him first. Just to show everyone I mean business.

So cut out the cell phones and save the bees or you’re going to be in for a world of hurt. I won’t even stop at people. Cows, goats, dogs, horses. Farms, zoos, the Kentucky Derby. I have no absolutely no qualms about letting my bear flag fly. I’ve kept myself in check for too long anyway. It’s about time for me to do me. 

Oh, and wrap your brain around this: one of my best friends is a tiger. So the next time you think about opening up your IPhone and making a call, just imagine a crazy bear going through honey withdrawal riding towards you on the back of a snarling jungle cat. Followed by an army of charging, pissed-off heffalumps.

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