After a long, drawn-out free agent recruiting process, King James finally has made his vaunted decision. With ESPN cameras on him last night, LeBron James announced that for the next five years, he will be officially Dwayne Wade’s little bitch.
“I can’t say it was always in my plans, because I never thought it was possible,” that groveling little bitch said as he fantasized about possible leashes and dog collars that #3 could lead him around by. “But the things that the Miami Heat franchise have done, to free up cap space and be able to put themselves in a position this summer to have all three of us, it was hard to turn down.” As he said this, he searched the room longingly to see his master give some sign of approval.
In the pursuit of winning a championship, James’ signing brings three marquee players to South Beach. Along with Wade’s other little bitch, forward Chris Bosh, LeBron will form one half of the most formidable bitch combo since Karl Malone and Gary Payton put their old wrinkled tails between their legs and went to LA to become Shaq’s little bitches. With the signing, James immediately becomes the NBA’s most recognizable little bitch.
Experts are wondering exactly how LeBron will have to adjust his game to accommodate his gracious owner and the King of Miami. For example, will he become more like a Magic Johnson type facilitator rather than the dominating wing he has been for the last seven years? Also, what if Wade wants a sandwich? It could be a distraction if LeBron has to exit games in the middle of the second quarter to make a Quiznos run.
Many have accused LeBron of quitting on the Cavs during their second round loss to the Celtics this past summer. Miami fans have no reason to worry about that now, as the threat of a firmly placed Wade backhand will certainly make his LeBitch cower in fear.
One thing is for sure: James’ signing finally answers the question: who is the next Michael Jordan? The answer, unequivocally, is Dwayne Wade. Wade won a championship by taking his team on his back. Wade convinced one all-world player and one All-Star to come roll with him, in HIS town. He pulled off the Michael Corleone move of all Michael Corleone moves. All you can do is tip your cap and respect that he was able to reduce one of the world’s greatest players to one of his henchman. If LeBron was a character from the 1989 Batman, he’d be one of the Joker’s nameless goons.
Dwayne Wade is the NBA’s new alpha dog. And LeBron James is Dwayne Wade’s little bitch.