The Queen Visits New York

This week Queen Elizabeth makes her first visit to New York City since 1976. Here are some of her planned activities:

  • Working the 9 a.m. – 3 p.m. shift at Scores.
  • Chopper ride to the Statue of Liberty; will hang off the chopper’s rope ladder and spray paint quotes from the British version of The Office on Lady Liberty’s ass.
  • A Mets game to flick off and spit at the crowd until she’s escorted up to Jerry Seinfeld’s private box.
  • Central Park for a handsome cab ride during which she will see how many joggers she can hit with croquet balls.
  • Not sure where she’ll be on Thursday night, but damn sure she’ll back to the hotel promptly by 9/8 central in time to catch her favorite show, Burn Notice.
  • Bloomingdale’s to see if she can nick some high quality shit to sell on the street.
  • Harlem Boys’ Choir rehearsal to see if she can recruit some of those dandies for her fancy boy English army.
  • High tea with Madam Snookie.
  • Hot 97 studios to freestyle with Funkmaster Flex and give her take on the BET Awards.
  • Broadway to compare foofy top hats with Nathan Lane.
  • Yankee Stadium to explain the rules of cricket to George Steinbrenner followed by Mr. Steinbrenner offering $85 million to an Indian guy in  giant shin guards, a helmet, and khakis to play left.
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