The World's Worst Parting Gift, aka Amare Stoudemire

The New York Knicks front office and upper management is, in short, a complete and total alligator fuckhouse.

The Knicks made a pitch for LeBron James last week. According to reports, that was a disaster. Now the Knicks have signed Amare Stoudemire to a $100 million contact. And he wants to lure Carmelo Anthony and Tony Parker to New York to play with him.

With that, I’d like to officially tender my resignation as a Knicks fan.

You’ve sacrificed four seasons in the hopes of signing one guy. You cleared cap room by trading decent players (Jared Jeffries), taking on bad contracts (Tracy McGrady), and you don’t have any first round draft picks until 2029. So free agency finally comes around, and your backup plan is to sign a moody headcase to play power forward (by the way, the only truly first rate player you have right now? A power forward) and hope that you can trade for a couple players under contract until 2011?

Here are some better ideas:

  • Re-hire Isiah Thomas as coach, GM, and point guard.
  • Ask the league if you can play by “Globetrotter Rules” and hire the entire And1 team to play.
  • Take a time machine back to colonial New York and sign five genuine Knickerbockers.
  • Pay the Philadelphia Eagles $5 million for the rights to Michael Vick.
  • To save money, let Dario Gallinari take the floor with coach Mike D’Antoni, owner James Dolan, and 69 year old GM Donnie Walsh. Do not field a fifth player.

Don’t get me wrong. If they can get Carmelo, Parker, and Stoudemire on the same team, they’d make the playoffs. Possibly even finish in the top four. But that’s the point. Three years ago, we were here saying, “If the Knicks can get LeBron, they’ll be back!” There’s nothing in the Knicks plans about building a stable franchise or acquiring mid-level affordable talent. It’s a fantasy team.  Getting back into contention is all about the promise of acquiring the next big name. I’d love to see the Knicks run a soup kitchen. “Sorry bums, no soup today..but tomorrow we’ve got lobster!”

So they went out and signed Amare. Who’s running the Knicks, me putting together an NBA Live team circa 2004? Stoudemire is crazy and gets injured a lot. He’s also the answer to the Jeopardy question, “When the Knicks strike out with the two free agents actually worth max contracts in 2010, the Knicks signed this oft-injured, overrated dog with questionable effort levels out of desperation.” He’s a headcase who has given less than 100% for certain coaches he’s played for. One of those coaches being his current coach. It’s like the plot of a bad sitcom. Mike and Amare hated each other in Phoenix. Now, they’re both back…but on the same team! Will they be able to coexist without driving each other crazy? Tune in next week for another episode of the nutty new sitcom, This is a Fucking Terrible Idea!

So that’s it for me. Unless the Knicks can convince LeBron to sign, like they’ve tacitly guaranteed their fan base they would over the past four years, I’m done. Thanks for nothing, James Dolan. But as big of a fuck up as you are as an owner, you’ll never be able to take this away. I’m going to spend the rest of the free agency period watching that clip and pretending the Knicks didn’t spend six figures on this generation’s Shawn Kemp.

Enjoy the next five years of this, Knicks fans:

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