Oil Spill Response

The oil spill clean up in the Gulf Coast has been an incredibly drawn out, tedious process. Americans are getting frustrated. Here are some steps being taken to speed it up:

  • New policy of encouraging oil-soaked animals to grab a sponge and help out. It’s the least they can do if they’re going to be there.
  • BP executives watching There Will Be Blood on a constant loop for ideas. Didn’t help clear any oil, just gave them a hankering for milkshakes.
  • Sent Bill O’Reilly to absolutely ream the pinheads in charge of this until they get their fucking shit together.
  • Consulted Kevin Costner to see if he’s developed any inventions that might come in handy. Shockingly, this one is not a joke.
  • Requested extra large shipments of Bounty, the Quicker Picker upper.
  • Contacted the boys down at Brita to see if they’re making progress on their “comically massive water filter” technology.
  • Casually asked all Florida high school janitors if they’d like to pick up a couple extra bucks.
  • Asked  Bono throw a benefit concert. Usually seems to help.
  • Paid Taylor Swift to take to the airwaves to tell Americans that clearly, President Obama doesn’t care about fish.
  • Did a Google search for “how to clean up oil spill.”
  • Politely requested that the cast of Jersey Shore stop washing their hair in the Gulf of Mexico.

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