World Cup Preview From A Guy Who Doesn't Watch Soccer

Can you feel the excitement?

Can you feel the anticipation?

Can you feel the unmitigated passion that nations the world over will bring to South Africa this Friday to watch a few fancy lads use their dainty little feet to kick a ball around a field?

Fancy lads from all kind of countries will unite for World Cup 2010 giving the rest of the world something to focus on while Americans focus on real sports that actual men play. For roughly a month, the world will stop to pay some attention as some swishy fops prance around in their little shorts and cleats.

In one of the most anticipated early round matchups, the US will play England. This is intriguing contest for a number of reasons: will the English team pause halfway through the game for tea and krimpets? Will their powdered wigs impede their view of the ball? And after the game, will their elaborate postgame curtsies be seen as showboating? On the U.S. side: will the Americans be able to stay on the field…or will the temptation to run back to the locker room to check the baseball scores prove too much?

I’m sure there are a lot of other great matchups. I’ve heard Brazil is usually good, so I’m sure their playing somebody in this thing. And I have no doubt that some combination of Italy, France, Germany, Spain, Columbia, Switzerland, China,  and a bevy of Central American teams will be competing in this event that lots of people seem to care about.

Another question I have: if the NBA champs played the World Cup champs at soccer, how many goals do you think the NBA’s vastly superior athletes would score on whatever douche patrol won this little Tournament of Dandies? 17? 18? Maybe they go for 20.

The event is hosted in South Africa for the first time. I think it’s the first time, anyway. This is a big deal, for some reason. Of course, that begs the question: What if the South African World Cup officials will be smug and lawbreaking, like the South African bad guys from Lethal Weapon 2. If that’s the case, we Americans may have bigger problems on our hands than just winning a little soccer contest. Nobody wants to see Landon Donovan get shot, only to have the South African coach smirk and say, “Diplomatic immunity.” If you’re an American fan, you have to hope that Jozy Altidore enters at that point, shoots the South African coach, and coolly replies, “It’s been revoked.” What better way to end a World Cup?

My Cup prediction? Celtics in 6, Blackhawks in 7, the AL wins the All Star Game, and the Bengals edge the Cowboys in the NFL Hall of Fame game.

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