The Boston Celtics and Los Angeles Lakers are basketball’s two most storied franchises and will face off in the NBA Finals for the 12th time once they tip off Thursday night. So famous are the battles that famed website Wikipedia has a page dedicated solely to the rivalry. Let’s take a look back at some of the greatest moments in the war between the C’s and the Lake Show:
1959: After cheering for Bill Russell throughout Boston’s sweep of LA, the always tolerant and racially sensitive Boston fans are confused when after the series Russell doesn’t give everyone in the arena a shoe shine.
1962: The Celtics win after coach Red Auerbach institutes a highly controversial and genius strategy of having his team to score more points than the Lakers in four out of seven games.
1966: The Celtics are able to hold onto a series victory after overcoming their shock that Lakers guard Gail Goodrich is not a woman.
1968: The C’s defeat the Lakers for the sixth straight time despite 9.6 points per game from Wilt Chamberlain’s dick.
1969: Despite Lakers owner Jack Kent Cooke making the decree that balloons would fall from the ceiling after the Lakers won, Russell and the C’s defeat the Lakers in seven. Russell would later say, “It’s going to be funny watching them take down all those balloons.” Less funny was the fact that the Lakers wasted more cash on face-painters, several clowns, a caricaturist, and a moon bounce shaped like Elgin Baylor.
1978/1979: Larry Bird and Magic Johnson are drafted, respectively. Bird goes on to become the world’s best white player ever. Magic goes onto become the world’s best player named after a useless and annoying skill.
1984: Celtics forward Kevin McHale viciously clotheslines Lakers bespectacled forward Kurt Rambis; that exchange would lead this this hidden internet gem.
If I can pause a moment here: once you visit that site, a few more clicks will lead you to this random Internet guy’s magnum opus: a fan site dedicated solely to Kurt Rambis. My favorite part? The endorsement from Kurt Rambis himself. I’m pretty sure that was just to avoid a serial killing. I bet Kurt was thinking something more along the lines of: “Yeah, your website is great, please don’t hurt my family.” I can’t believe somebody would take time out of their day for a website dedicated to Kurt Rambis. What’s next, LucLongleypedia?
1985: The Lakers finally defeat the Celtics; Red Auerbach reacts by giving a knowing smirk, shaking his head, and wistfully lighting his cigar. Now that I mention it, I think that was how he reacted to everything.
1986: The Celtics pretend that the Houston Rockets are actually the Lakers and defeat the Houston Ro-akers in six games. Before the series, when asked about facing Houston center Hakeem Olajuwon, Robert Parish remarks, “Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe it’s pronounced ‘Kareem Abdul Jabaar.'”
1987: Misunderstanding their home crowd, several Celtics leave the arena during Game 1 to go rough up Hollywood starlet Loni Anderson.
1998: Never one to let the Lakers one up them, the Celtics debut “Flipping The Bird,” a one hour talk show featuring host Larry Bird in response to “The Magic Hour.” It’s just Larry Bird telling various teammates and members of the Celtics organization what they had done wrong during their careers. Each episode ended with Bird refusing to give some little kid an autograph. It was quickly cancelled despite Bird’s excellent rapport with band leader M.L. Carr.
2002: After becoming the most boring awesome player to lose to the Celtics in the sixties, Jerry West becomes the most boring awesome executive to win three consecutive titles.
2008: Featuring Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, and Paul Pierce, the 2008 Celtics prove that they are not a white girl in a Denver hotel room, as Kobe is unable to overpower them.
2010: Through teamwork, determination, and true grit, the Celtics and Lakers battle injuries and adversity to return to their sport’s crowning pinnacle of achievement. Meanwhile in Ohio, LeBron James furiously masturbates to ESPN’s LeBron Tracker.