Now it’s time for another installment in part of my award-winning series, But Could He Beat Chewbacca? A running series in which we speculate on how various competitors would do in a battle against the greatest movie character of all time, Chewbacca:
STRENGTHS: Diminutive actor, prominent in the 1980’s and early 1990’s, who appeared in beloved family classics such as Little Giants and Honey I Shrunk the Kids. Before then he was a skilled improvisational performer for Chicago’s famed Second City.
BUT COULD HE BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Moranis shows up to the fight dumbfounded and clueless as to why he’s fighting Chewbacca. “I didn’t even sign up for this!” he pleads, to which Chewbacca shrugs. “I caught Strange Brew on cable one night, I’ve run out of formidable foes to fight, ipso facto, you’re here to get an ass whipping.” Chewbacca takes care of Moranis within the first five minutes of their fight, then spends an hour sitting on his head asking him to perform his famed Ed Grimley character. Everyone involved is too scared to tell Chewbacca that Ed Grimley was a Martin Short creation.
GETTING A TEAM TO THE NBA FINALS
STRENGTHS: As Lebron James found out, guiding a team to the NBA Finals is no small feat.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: After signing a free agent deal with the Milwaukee Bucks, Chewbacca insists that the league office allows them back into the playoffs. When they refuse, he mauls Commissioner David Stern and shows up to the Eastern Conference finals in a Bucks uniform. He ends up just grabbing the ball and being chased around the court by officials, security, and members of both the Boston Celtics and Orlando Magic. He is eventually subdued by a tranquilizer and detained. All charges are dropped when he entertains officials at the Orlando courthouse with a variety of card tricks.
MAKING SURE THAN HAN CAN’T TELL HE HAD A HOUSE PARTY IN THE MILLENIUM FALCON WHILE HAN WAS AWAY ON BUSINESS
STRENGTHS: The Millenium Falcon is a pretty big ship, so cleaning up after a kick ass kegger can be hell on just one person.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: After ushering Boba Fett, Lando, and the last of the Wookie skanks out the door, Chewie makes one last sweep for cigarette butts and beer cans. Soon after, Han takes a walk around the ship to inspect it.
“Looks good, pal, ” says Han, examining a small scratch on the cockpit wall. “Hey, what’s this?”
Han opens up a closet door after seeing a small piece of trash, and out pours a seemingly endless supply of pizza boxes, liquor bottles, and extra large Wookie condoms. After the mess has engulfed Han and flooded the cockpit, Chewie clears his throat.
“Just so you know, Lando was smoking weed in the bathroom. Just FYI, what I did wasn’t the worst thing.”
CREATING SOMETHING MORE AWESOME THAN AN OCTOPUS FIGHTING A SHARK
STRENGTHS: CNN reported that an octopus ate a shark after a lengthy fight between the two. Coming up with something more awesome than that isn’t easy.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: A crowd assembles outside Chewie’s house to see what he plans to come up with. After Han and Luke stall the crowd by performing a karaoke version of Elton John and Kiki Dee’s “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart,” Chewie confidently strides to the center of the crowd. He snaps once to reveal an octopus and a shark, both standing upright and dressed in tuxedos. They both perform an acapella version of Michael Jackson’s Thriller in perfect English, with a bunch of baby sharks and octopi performing all the dance moves. Rather than waiting for the crowd’s verdict, Chewie drops the mic, does a crotch chop and says, “Ball game over. World Series over. CHEWBACCA WINS. CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWBACCA WINS.”
CLEANING UP THE GULF OIL SPILL
STRENGTHS: It was a pretty big oil spill.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewbacca, along with pals Luke and Han, shows up in Louisiana dressed in a suit made up entirely of common household cleaning sponges ready to dive in get to work. After swimming around for several hours, the three realize that they’ve hardly made a dent in the oil spill. As they are greeted with boos by Gulf Coast residents, Chewie laughs derisively.
“You brainless chodes,” he sneers, “I knew it wouldn’t clean up the oil. My doctor told me that swimming a few laps around the Gulf in oil would be good for my back. You all got fucking played. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go wipe my ass with a baby seal.”