Facebook? More Like Get-Out-of-My-Facebook!

Facebook’s current personalization features are more invasive than ever and many people – including Congress – are starting to take notice.  One of the biggest issues is that many Facebook users are uneducated as to how much of their private information is available for public consumption, and by whom. Here are some of the newer features which novice and experienced users alike may or may not be aware of:

* Every profile picture you post is replaced with your head crudely photoshopped on a nude girl’s body.

* All status updates will be edited to become advertisements. For example, Studying for a midterm then getting something to eat, becomes Studying for a midterm because this chemistry exam is WIN OR GO HOME…check out the NBA Playoffs on TNT.

* A career opportunity app, which is really just a poorly disguised pyramid scheme.   

* Every time you join a fan page for a particular item/person, a fat, bald guy named Lou shows up at your house to sell you subscriptions for magazines about it.

* All your status updates will be reposted for all to see on Facebook’s main page, followed by the tag #canyoubelievewhatthisassholesaid?

* Anytime you are defriended, Facebook administrators send you an email with tips on how to not be such a loser.

* FuckYourOnlineLife – a new program where Facebook reaches out to your grandparents and parents to encourage them to create a profile and constantly monitor your every goddamn move.

* A picture of Sarah MacLachlan holding a puppy is posted in the right corner of everyone’s profile to make everybody feel guilty for not donating to the Humane Society commercials.

* Providing your cell phone number prompts Facebook to text you with hourly reminders to go see Iron Man 2, opening May 7 in theaters everywhere. Even though you were going to go anyway because it’s fucking Iron Man 2

* Credit-Card-O-Rama! – a Farmville-like app which allows  access to your credit card information so administrators can make costly purchases for themselves on Amazon.com.

* The “People You May Know” section is reserved for members of your high school class who went to jail in order to determine whether or not you’re now an accomplice.

* A new Face-Cam app, which is literally just a guy breaking into your house to install hidden surveillance equipment while you’re at work.

* Every time you post a new profile picture, an automatically generated comment reads, “You wear that shirt in public?”

* New application called, “Soooo….you wanna do something sometime?” in which Facebook administrators randomly message your hot friends to say, “Soooo…..you wanna do something sometime?”

* They actually pay a guy to sit there all day, research your boss’s email address, and actively look for stuff that might get you fired.

* A needless and cruel app called “MySpace Pwnage Compilation,” which is just a vitriolic and mean spirited 40,000 word essay taunting MySpace on how badly Facebook has pwned it since 2007.

* There is  actually an item that states, “Check here if you do not grant Facebook permission to sell all your personal information to telemarketers, web advertisers, and the Iranians.” Unfortunately, it’s hidden on the profile of 27 year old Vermont native Rodney Chude, who with -5 friends is Facebook’s least popular guy.


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