This past weekend all eyes were on the 2010 NFL Draft. In the weeks leading up to the event, countless NFL analysts put together mock drafts. Now that the draft is over with, I’ve decided to throw together a mock draft of my own:
1. St. Louis Rams – Hard to be proud of your one Super Bowl when your coach looked like a lesbian gym teacher.
2. Detroit Lions – Have gone 2-30 in the past two seasons, which is surprising given the fact that they drafted wideouts 30 years in a row. Usually that works out.
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Challenging the Guiness Record for Shitty Black Quarterbacks on an NFL roster.
4. Washington Redskins – Hey, our new coach must know what he’s doing. After all, he won a couple championships over a decade ago and everytime he reacts to anything he grimaces like somebody just told him his cable bill’s going up.
5. Kansas City Chiefs – Anytime you get the opportunity to give a career backup $60 million to be your starter, you have to do it.
6. Seattle Seahawks – “What about that guy who screwed up the Jets and Patriots last time he was in the NFL? Should we give him total control of the franchise and a billion dollars? Yeah, you know what….we better.”
7. Cleveland Browns – Home of the 9 Pick-a-Game Bumpkin QB.
8. Oakland Raiders – No coach commands respect looking like a wife-beating Walter Sobchak. Cross this line, YOU DO NOT!
9. Buffalo Bills – The Bills are always rumored to be on the move from Buffalo, and Buffalo fans always raise a stink about this. The cool thing is, if they did move, nobody would give a shit because there are 20 Bills fans left.
10. Jacksonville Jaguars – See Bills, Buffalo.
11. 49ers – Haven’t had a good quarterback since Steve Young got his head bashed in and their coach is like if Carl Winslow and Uncle Phil had a kid.
12. San Diego Chargers – You could grate cheese off Norv Turner’s face and Philip Rivers is a whiny bitch.
13. Philadelphia Eagles – The team that looked the other way while Brian Dawkins committed borderline criminal hits for years will finally gets theirs as they suck it up this year. It must suck to beat the Giants for the last two years and yet not have a Super Bowl to show for it. Especially since the G-Men do. Tell the G-Men how their ass tastes.
14. Seattle Seahawks – Pete Carroll is more clueless than Columbo trying to work through a bad fever.
15. New York Giants – Got nothing.
16. Tennessee Titans – Between Jeff Fisher’s moustache and Vince Young’s love of men, probably the gayest team in the league.
17. San Francisco 49ers – The Niners went back to Alex Smith, which is kind of like Tina Turner taking Ike back.
18. Pittsburgh Steelers – After hearing the police report, I’m pretty sure Ben Roethlisberger is Lex Luthor. That is, if Lex Luthor was a white trash rapist.
19. Atlanta Falcons – Their owner looks like Walt Disney….now.
20. Houston Texans – Things should be looking up. After all, good things tend to happen during Year 8 of a five year plan.
21. Cincinnati Bengals – Carson Palmer designed an IPhone app that tells you the best time to run to the bathroom during a specific movie. He should design one called iMediocre Quarterbacking.
22. Denver Broncos – As badly as Josh McDaniels has handled this club, at least they didn’t do anything stupid like draft Tim Tebow.
23. Green Bay Packers – With a shoddy offensive line, don’t think they’ll be good for awhile. On the bright side, due to their high cholesterol, many of the fanbase won’t live long enough to see them continue to be mediocre.
24. Dallas Cowboys – Dez Bryant ain’t worth a shit. I love him…I love him, but he ain’t worth a shit. One of the points missed by the mainstream media in their rush to crucify bloggers for posting the Jerry Jones video: why was an 85 year old man drunk at a bar by himself?
25. Denver Broncos – Can’t respect a team when their quarterback of the future can’t even get laid.
26. Arizona Cardinals – They did come very close to winning a Super Bowl. Hopefully that will keep their fanbase happy in the 30 plus years it’ll take them to get back to another one.
27. New England Patriots – The Pats want to get all their draft picks right, but they’re playing with house money. After all, they’re only two years removed from finishing 19-0 and winning a Super Bowl championship.
28. Miami Dolphins – If Dick Vermeil is a lesbian gym teacher, Bill Parcells is an older, butchier lesbian gym teacher that calls the shots in their relationship.
29. New York Jets – Rex Ryan looks like a grown up version of Augustus Gloop. Watch out, sideline reporters, he might try to eat that microphone.
30. Minnesota Vikings – Just waiting on Brad Childress to show up in a sundress, pumps, and an apron that says, “Brett’s Bottom Bitch” on it.
31. Indianapolis Colts – The odds against them getting back to the Super Bowl after last year’s crap out are greater than the circumference of Peyton Manning’s misshapen, Frankenstein looking head.
32. New Orleans Saints – Now that they no longer have a bad team to bitch about, New Orleans fans can go back to doing what they do best: sucking down crawfish dinners and swimming to work.