Tiger Woods Is the Pied Piper of Hood Rats

At some point, Tiger Woods is going to return to the PGA Tour. He’s made his apology and he’s pretending to go through sex therapy. There’s going to be a time when he’ll want to get back to doing what he does best – hitting golf balls. And when that time comes, there are two words that will ameliorate his rocky road back to the top of the sports world:

Fake. Moustache.

A thick, solid ‘stache would go a long way to helping Tiger regain his former glory.  Nothing brightens up a room like a solid moustache. Imagine being at a party with Joe Namath, Super Mario, and Wade Boggs. I guarantee you you’re having a good time.  It might be a little weird to start, but the next day you’ll be examining your upper lip hoping you see a couple of budding hairs, counting down the days until you have a ‘stache of your own. It’s like when you were a kid, and you got to hang out with your friend who had a puppy. You play with the puppy, and you want your own. As adults, we hang out with a guy wearing a moustache, and we want our own.

 Granted, it’s easy to mess this up. You want to make sure you go for the right look. Nothing wispy or molestery. We don’t want Robin Williams in Birdcage. But you also don’t want anything too abrupt. No  Poe or a Hitler. Just a solid, strong, thick American moustache.  If I’m Tiger’s people, I’m telling him to run a Google image search on Magnum PI and locking him in a fake moustache store until he gets it right.

I believe a fake moustache  will have a two-pronged effect on Tiger’s comeback. Either:

A) No one will realize it’s him. The sight of Tiger Woods with a big ass Selleck will be so jarring that people may imagine their seeing an entirely different man.  Like in Shutter Island, their refusal to accept the sight of the world’s greatest athlete imitating Freddie Mercury will lead them to create an alternate reality to explain what they’re seeing. Stick him with a believable fake name that a guy with a moustache would have and next thing you know celebrated black golfer Todd Brackman is putting on a green jacket and picking up moustache combs from CVS.

B) Everyone will realize it’s him, but be so intrigued by the sight of Tiger with a fake moustache that we’ll forgive the anonymous trim. Everyone knows that the moustache is a great comedic device. You can’t stay mad at a guy in a fake moustache. Maybe throw a top hat on him too. Give him a monocle. Basically, dress up as the Monopoly Guy and hope the press focuses on that instead of your ravenous sexual apetite.

Tiger’s way forward is clear: fake moustache or throw yourself to the dogs. A beard looks too reclusive and a goatee looks too evil. Go with the happy medium. If there’s one thing the American public has shown us time and time again, it’s that they’re willing to forgive a guy who resembles Sam Elliot from the nose down.


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