Koala AIDS…and How You Can Help

Don’t know if you’ve checked the web recently, but we got a big problem down in Australia.  The koala bear is facing extinction. Now when I say extinction, you might be thinking about a giant comet hitting the dinosaurs. And you’re right. The koalas are being hit with a giant comet.

A giant comet known as AIDS.

That’s right, the poor koalas may go of the way of the dodo, or worse, Freddie Mercury. Experts are saying that within 30 years, the entire species may be wiped out by the spread of koala AIDS, which has no cure. Next to chlamydia, dog attacks, cars, and high blood pressure, koala AIDS is the top koala assassin. If it gets any worse, who knows what can happen? Maybe it will spread to koalas on other continents. You know how koalas are wont to jump into the ocean, swim thousands of miles, and fraternize with other foreign koalas.

So you read this and you think, “what can I do?”

You can start by donating to the Mike James Koala AIDS fund. By giving just pennies a day, you can help us fight the good fight against full-blown Koala AIDS. Every cent you donate will go to some facet of this terrible disease. I realize there may be doubters out there. In this era charities are held more accountable than ever before. So when you donate, where will your hard earned cash go? There are several areas:

Condoms
Stopping koala AIDS is a two step process. Step one – education. Step two – protection. Koala raw-dogging has increased the spread of the disease tenfold. This aspect is particularly costly, as we must pay for both the condoms and the protective equipment for the scientists attempting to put the condoms on the koalas. Because as everyone knows, koalas are notoriously staunch opponents of wearing a jimmy hat. The boys down at the lab have been throwing around the notion of eucalyptus-scented Trojans, but I think we can all agree that is patently ridiculous.

A Basketball Court
Magic Johnson got AIDS. He kept working out and playing basketball, and then he didn’t have AIDS anymore. Do the math. Let’s get these HIV positive koalas playing some ball. Now, obviously we won’t be able to teach ten koalas the concepts of a team sport and get them out there playing full five-on-five games. But let’s at least get ’em running lay-up drills.

A Koala AIDS Ribbon
At first glance, this red ribbon that comes with a $500 donation may look like any old regular AIDS ribbon to the untrained eye. But the reason it’s so expensive is that there is a perfect, miniature portrait of a koala stitched onto the ribbon. Unfortunately, the embroidery is so small that you’d need a $5,000 super-microscope to see it.

A $5,000 Super-Microscope
Because what’s the point of buying the ribbon if you can’t see the koala portrait?

Back in the day, whenever I compared members of the animal kingdom to boxers, I always compared the koala to Lennox Lewis. Don’t make us compare them to Tommy Morrison. Act now and donate today. With your help, we can get all our koala scientists down at our koala lab working on a koala cure. Just mail me an enevelope full of cash and I’ll make sure your money gets in the right place. If you’re worried about donating too much or too little, just stuff as much cash as you can into the envelope and call it a day. I prefer flat packages.

Let’s make history and wipe out this insiduous pox on koalakind, because while it’s true that koalas eat eucalyptus, if we don’t act now they will euca-leave-us.

Think about it.

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