It’s 9 p.m. The Giant is packed. I’m trying to grab some Tostitos and head the fuck out. And you’re going to stand there like a new homeowner evaluating carpet swatches.
I don’t know what stroke of luck brought us here tonight. Maybe it was fate. Maybe it was destiny. Maybe it’s the fact that you can’t cook anything that isn’t tuna or eggs. Whatever it is, let’s just get it over with. Make your fucking call, pick your fucking chips out, and let’s get the fuck on with our lives.
I know that the decision between Hint of Lime and Whole Grain Scoops is a life changing one, but here’s a tip: Tostitos ain’t going anywhere. Last time I checked, they’re not a mid-90’s dot.com start-up. They’re the most popular goddamn corn chip in the U.S. I guarantee you in the time it takes you to make your decision, go live your life, then come back and purchase more chips, they’ll still have both varieties. You aren’t missing the ball, Cinderella.
I don’t know you or anything, but I’d like to venture a guess at what you might to eat more than chips. I’m going to go ahead and guess that you’d enjoy some balls. Why don’t you go ahead and make your way over to the balls aisle? What’s that you say? Balls not doing it for you? Well, you certainly look like a bitch: how ’bout the Nature’s Promise aisle? Go get you some of that organic bullshit that no one eats. Go grab some of their cardboard corn chips they got over there. By the looks of your little frou-frou outfit you got on there, maybe you’ll partake in a rice cake. In fact, I’ll give you some I have at my place if you get the fuck out of my way already. I just bought a computer and the box had tons of them.
If Nature’s Promise makes some kind of product made out of balls, you’ll be like a pig in shit, won’t you?
One of the most pathetic traits a person is capable of possessing is indecisiveness. It’s the hallmark of a loser. And you’ve got family, friends, and significant others who have had to put up with your constant waffling for your entire life. Whether it was which chip, salsa, or person who’s night you’re ruining, you never could settle on one. It must have been a real burden for your family. It would be one thing if you brought a unique talent or skill to the table, but I’m guessing you don’t, Non-Descript Clarendon White Guy in Your Mid-20’s.
Well, it looks like you’re coming to a decision, as you douchingly rub your chin. And you went with….the Baked Lays! Congratulations. If I had the funds, I would seriously commission a statue to be built in your honor. A bronze statue of a giant waffle getting his ass kicked by a group of meaner, more decisive waffles, laughing and eating a bag of Tostitos.
The biggest tragedy in all this in the time it took him to decide, I changed my mind and went for the Ruffles.