Christmas Observations

Happy Holidays everybody.  I’m in Fredericksburg with the family for the holidays, and I’ve got a couple thoughts:

  • Imagine a Special Olympian attempting to milk a mentally disabled cow. That is akin to what it is like watching me try to wrap Christmas presents. Luckily, my mom and sister Amy are around to come in and close the deal for me. They’re like the Mariano Rivera of wrapping presents. I even had them wrap their own.  I don’t give a shit; it’s more important to me that their presents look good than they’re surprised because I am superficial.
  • If you write a movie about Santa Claus, you have three options on who can play the elves: kids, midgets, or normal adults made to look like elves using CGI. Of those three choices, you know what? I’d go midget every time. They’re easily the least creepy of all three. In fact, that’s pretty much the only time in life midgets aren’t creepy.
  • I worked a little bit at a soup kitchen the weekend before last. During the holidays, there is nothing more spiritually rewarding than doing volunteer work. I highly recommend it. And the best part about volunteer work? If it sucks, you can just leave.
  • Watch this.
  • Had this discussion at an Xmas party – Gremlins is not a Christmas movie. Neither is Die Hard. Christmas is not integral to the plot. If Stripe and John McClain had reenacted the Nativity, maybe.
  • I got the special lady friend a wok. Apparently woks are so complicated to use that you need to get a guidebook to go along with it. So I got her a guide book on how to use a wok. The name? The Breath of a Wok. With all those opportunities for an obvious pun, you gotta come to the conclusion that the writers just flat out whiffed on that one.
  • Why do Southern belles from the 1800’s feel the need to declare everything? Are you accepting a compliment or doing your taxes?
  • I told somebody that I was getting her a wok because she likes to cook Asian stuff, and this person got indignant about it. “You can cook other stuff in a wok!” No. I got it so she could cook Asian shit. If somebody walks in and she’s just cooking pasta or ground beef in there, it just looks like she’s using a retarded pan.
  • How about Wok in the Park?

Merry Christmas everybody. Before I go, I truly believe that anti-Christian bias exists  in literature, and here’s an example: the Grinch tries to ruin Christmas, everyone calls him a Grinch. He tries to ruin Hannukah, he’s an anti-Semite. Think about that.


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