Ruining Frosty the Snowman with Logistical Questions

I’m a sucker for all the old Christmas shows they showed around the holidays. Frosty the Snowman was one of the greats. It’s the timeless tale of a magic hat, a talking snow man, and a rabbit that can think critically like a human. When I was a kid, I considered it a holiday favorite. Now I just consider it something written by some guys on some really powerful drugs.

I’ve grown a little bit older since I first saw Frosty, so I have a couple logistical questions:

* The narrator, Cartoon Jimmy Durante, gives Jim Carrey’s Scrooge Dick Nose a run for its money in the competition for the Dick Nose of the Century. He also edges out Dan Aykroyd in Nothing But Trouble,  Owen Wilson, and the guy from the Afrin Nasal commercial.

* Frosty the Snowman…was a jolly, happy soul. I’m not buying this. He was made of ice, which meant he had no nerve endings, which means no central nervous system, which means no feelings, which means no soul. Much less a jolly, happy one.

* The magician who comes to perform tricks for the students  may have been a horrible magician, but wouldn’t you be horrible at it too if you looked like Tom Selleck with AIDS?

* Why’d they give Frosty a broom? Did they expect him to get right to work? No better way to welcome a bizarre ice creature to planet Earth than giving him some shit to clean up right away.

* This guy’s supposed to be running around with a bunch of little kids, and he’s teaching them how to light up some tobacco. Great example. What’s next, Rudolph taking a fat snuff of Skoal?

* They should have had a Frosty v. Rudolph crossover special, where they’re both pitted against each other until the end when they join forces to take on Lex Luthor.

* I wish there was a part  where Jimmy Durante walks into the middle of the action to narrate the story, only to have Frosty look at him confused and say, “Who the fuck is this guy?”

* Everybody jumped on that magician for being a dick when he kept trying to get his hat back, but who can blame him? That hat could create life. He wasn’t just pulling rabbits and multicolored kerchiefs out of it. It gave a pile of frozen water a personality. I’m surprised he didn’t grab it and say, “Guess what kids? Not only am I NOT going to bring Frosty back, but I’m going to buy 30 bags of ice from Safeway and use this hat to make them recreate the last twenty minutes of Gremlins.”

* Throw some pants on, man. There’s children here. No excuse for you swinging your snow-junk to and fro all the way around town.

* Didn’t any of those kids who were playing with Frosty have parents who gave a shit about them?

* At the end of the story, Frosty leaves with Santa to go live at the North Pole. Do you think he got his own place or did Santa begrudgingly let him stay with him until he got on his feet?

* If Frosty saw a dog pissing on a patch of snow, do you think he got really mad the same way the big bug got mad at Will Smith for stepping on the cockroach at the end of Men In Black?

* Every time Frosty comes to life, he says, “Happy Birthday!” In the Director’s Cut, this was a transparent attempt by Frosty to get the kids to bring him presents. Seriously. There’s a deleted scene where he pounds the shit out of Jimmy Durante until Jimmy goes to Best Buy to get him Star Trek on Blu Ray.

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